2004-02-02, 7:47 p.m.
bleh. too much is happening tommorow. I see the school psychologist after school, then I see Julio after that, then I am suppose to go to a group with my youth leader after that. The only problem is I can't find the group that I wanted to go to. I lost the sheet with all the info on it. So we'll see. Tommorow starts a new school week, since I didn't have school today, and i'm not ready for it. I feel my emotions and depression spiraling down down down. I feel spacey and careless. I'm trying to lose a little bit of weight since I gained a couple pounds. I got up to 84, but then lost a pound. I hope I lost another pound but I don't know if I did that good today restricting. I might just be 83 again tommorow. We'll see. I'm going to go purge. ***edit*** I did lose a pound. go me. it's amazing what power that can make you feel like you have. it's like once you start losing, you feel like you'll never stop. you're not hungry, you don't need to eat, you don't care for food, you just wan't to keep losing. however, when you gain, and you start eating, you're just like fuck it. i already messed up. and you keep gaining. my mom ruined my euphoria when i came downstairs to put away some food left over from my binge. i knocked over the microwave cover. "whatever!" she yells. what the fuck? it makes me angry. she never makes sense and she freaks out over everything. As i'm typing this entry on the downstairs computer(whenever i go on diaryland on the downstairs computer, i clear the history), i hear her yelling to her imaginary who the hell knows who. Sometimes I get so tired. I just want to quit this life, quit trying, just call it quits. I tell myself, I can't take it anymore. My head pounds when I see her talking to herself and she stares into space as she ascends the stairs, and tears well in my eyes. I think to myself "you know, even if you do go to that ED group tommorow, you're never going to beat this. You do know that, don't you? And when you come home from that group tommorow, you're going to binge and purge. Just like tonight, and the day before that, and the day before that. And as you are purging, you tell yourself, come on melissa, you are almost done. just a little bit further and you can go to bed. But you are not almost done. You are never almost done. Because tommorow you will do this again. You are never going to stop. You will never get better. You are just going to die from this. Just give up, failure."