2004-02-04, 7:18 p.m.
I totally fucked up my meeting with Julio yesterday. I didn't tell him anything worth telling. I hate when I have appointments like that. I feel like such a screw up because I have to wait two weeks for another try. I did go to a eating disorder group last night though, unwillingly. I only went because I said i'd go with my youth leader. It was the usual type of group thing. I didn't get much out of it. Well, that's a lie. It kind of puts things into perspective for me. It gives me the realization that this can be fought and people do work the program and stay abstinent and decide to turn there life around. But on the flipside, I saw a girl there that I see there all the time. We've talked a bit, and gotten frozen yogurt with some other girls there a couple times. She's real nice to me and I like her a lot. When I saw her last night, she didn't look too hot. She had lost a lot of weight, and she was already normal size. Her face was real drawn in, her cheek bones sharp and her eyes dark. Her body type is naturally like small-med, so it looked unproportional. She was wearing men's slacks and a hoodie zipped, but you could tell she was real thin. We talked a bit, and I asked how she was. She said she wasn't doing well. She said something that struck a chord in me. "you know, all of these people say it just happens for them one day(recovery? deciding to recover?), and i'm just wondering when it'll happen for me."
That scares me, cause it's like, I feel like no matter how hard you try, you're either bound to make it or not. That girl and I plan to get coffee sometime. We exchanged numbers. but I can't get how her face looked out of my mind. I wonder if i look like that? Do I scare people? i wanted to cry for her. I was talking to my youth leader about her afterwards, and I started to cry. I don't know if i hurt for her, or if i was just hurting in general.
i came home late last night, and like clockwork, i had my binge and purge. I didn't get to bed till 1 am and i missed my first two classes because of it because I was too tired.
An internet friend had a dream that she tried to check me into a hospital, and while she was trying to do that she kept getting distracted by the people there and stuff. Because she kept getting side tracked, I died.
I told Julio I was afraid I was going to die from this. I said i've been so discouraged lately. (read previous entry) and pretty much given up hope. I've been real down on myself, and keep having thoughts like "why bother? i'm going to die."
He said he doesn't think i'm going to die from this because it's not severe enough. I guess he's right. i'm not 70 lbs and fainting. I'm still functioning. But that doesn't mean I'm not really tired of this and so, so scared.