I have an eating disorder.
2004-02-06, 9:46 p.m.

Today I went over to adult-friend-old youth leader-person i use to live with's house(i need a better title for her that people will recognize). I wanted to ask her perspective and opinion on a couple things.

I asked her what she thought of the group meeting we went to last Tuesday, as an outsider, one without an eating disorder. I also asked her what she thought of how Julio is handeling my situation and this therapy and such. She gave me some good insights for both. She said she wished the group meetings were more Christian based (her being a christian) but she was blown away by the support and how many people were there. She loved how long people said they had been going and the accountability they had recieved from it. On the flip side, she could see how people could start competeing. She said she was amazed how many people wanted to share but she was sure that was probably a place that for some was the only place that people would listen and understood them. She thought it was a great group for me.

We talked a lot about Julio. She said some things that I've said Julio said frustrated her, like how serious he is taking this. She said he has no idea how much this could be hurting my organs and what damage it could be doing to my insides, so he has no right to say this isn't severe. She said the amount I'm doing it is severe, and that frustrates her when she hears that he has said those things. I talked about my frustrations and how I think its come to a point where I've wanted to trust him so much that maybe I've lied to myself about what I believe about what he's told me. I think I want to agree with everything he says so I convince myself that I do think he's right. It's so weird because I'm a very opiniated person, but I think because I've learned to trust him so strongly over the years those opinions aren't even questioned. Could it be I've just become a julio robot?

She presented the challenge of telling our bible study group about my eating disorder and i was giving her reasons about why i don't want to. i said they wouldn't understand, they'd judge me, ect, ect. She defended all those reasons, but then it finally came down to the fact that I didn't think I could form the words. She said, sure you can, say it right now. "I have an eating disorder" I said, no. I'd feel stupid. She said it's just me. Go ahead. fine, i said. i felt like she was stupid for making me doing something so lame.

"I have an eating disorder." I spat out quickly.

"Good." she said. "Say it again."

"no. i'm going to start cry--" then I started to bawl. I don't know why that sparked something in me. But that just opened the flood gates. We were sitting on the couch, and i fell foward, my head in my lap, and i sobbed. In my head I repeated "it's not true. it's not true. it can't be true." she held me, rocked me, and i think she was saying soothing things, but all i could remember in my head was hearing myself say the words outloud that i haven't been able to admit to myself.

"i have an eating disorder."

it kept echoing and i kept trying to drown it out by saying "it's not true." but i just kept sobbing and i knew this nightmare is a battle that i'm not sure will ever be won.

she said i broke down a wall. i felt empty inside. i had no idea that was going to happen when i spoke those words outloud. but i'm afraid to ever say them outloud again.