2004-02-10, 8:05 p.m.
These past few days I've been walking through a black cloud. Though I tell myself "I don't know what's wrong with me." and I tell a similar "I don't know what's happening" to the school psychologist (whom I saw today), I think I am lying to myself and I do know what's happening. I've reached a breaking point of exaustion.
I can't wake up and make my mental lists of binge foods for that day, I can't face the piles of left overs from the night before, I can't face the scale, I CAN'T DO THIS ROUTINE. Yet I am stuck. I do it anyway, in anguish. I'm miserbal. Bulimia has sucked every ounce of joy out of life. The mere thought of facing the day makes me want to crawl back into bed and sob. I know what the day brings, and because it involves food, I'd rather sleep it away. I seriously contemplate ditching my classes and sleeping too, but a smarter part of me overrides, thank god.
Because of this turmoil of facing food during the day, i just don't eat. Instead of eating small "safe" foods, i just don't. It's too much trouble to worry about how many calories are in an apple and if I can eat a small salad before my nightly binge, even though it's not in my daily allowance. Instead of adding to my stress, I just don't eat at all. That'd usually be a problem, since i'm usually starving and dying to binge, but lately it's been a better option. I don't mind it. Today all I had was a green salad and an apple. This morning the scale said 81. I can't lose anymore weight. I know i can't. But I can't face this food. It's wearing me down. I sleep in my film class through the movies, and during art i put my head down and zone. I don't know who I am anymore.
Julio says this isn't severe. But he's not the one who watched his period go to nothing from extremely heavy. He's not the one with blue nails attatched to shakey, patchy colored hands. Julio is not the one who has lost 25 lbs, losing their hair, numb limbs, worry about their organs, constantly freezing, and constantly weak and wanting to sleep. How can he say this isn't severe if he isn't me?
Blah. I'm going to go purge. I can't think anymore. I can't live anymore. I can't be awake anymore tonight. Purge then sleep. sleep sleep sleep.