drowning slowly
2004-02-13, 8:08 p.m.

*edit* This morning scale said 80? BMI 15.1...What the hell?
Yesterday I decided I simply would not go to school. I took a mental health day. I spent the whole day in my pajamas, drinking tea, and on the computer or lounging around. I could use more days like that. I tried not to think about food at all or what I'd binge on that evening, but it was hard. I kept my mind off it for a little while though.

The day before that I managed to scrape another car in the school parking lot while parking my car. Cool. Just what I needed. I started sobbing hysterically while I tried to figure out what to do. Drive away and pretend I didn't do anything? Leave a note? I ended up leaving a note. I talked to the owner of the car (a student's mom)and she was pretty nice about it all. I still don't know if they're going to file a claim or what. The scratch/scrape seemed pretty surface so hopefully it will be okay.

Last night while mid purge, I broke down. I was thinking about Julio and what he would do if I just threw a fit in his office. I was thinking about doing it because, hey, what difference does it make anymore? He doesn't listen, he never will no matter how hard I try to make him understand, so what if I just turned into sarcastic nasty bitch melissa and let loose on him. Or what if one day in his office I just started to freak out and threw a tantrum, and started to chuck his nice coffee mug at the wall and scream and cry. Then what would he do? Then would he understand? Just as thinking that over the toilet inbetween heaves, I broke down sobbing. I hit the bathroom floor in a tangled vomitey mess. I didn't even feel the tears coming. I felt and feel so alone. I haven't spent any time with any friends for months. My obsessions are spinning out of control and I worry they are just going to continue to get worse. I can't stand to live inside my body. Not necessarily because of the physical aspects, but because my head is driving me mad.

I feel like I've given up. Does it make sense to say I'm numb because i'm so aware of all the pain I feel? My attitude is terrible. I just can't muster up the strength to care. everything hurts too much and is too damn hopeless.