2004-02-18, 8:02 p.m.
Today I got mad at Julio. Something I should have let him see a long time ago.
He basically said straight out I need to quit wallowing in my self-pity and do something about my eating disorder. Go to meetings. Work the program. Ect. Ect. He's right. However, it pissed me off. Greatly.
Infact, after he said that I stared off to the side almost crying, but looking angry I'm sure, in silence. He kept talking about things but when I didn't reply and looked pissed, he got the hint.
"What?" he asked. "Talk to me."
I just kept staring. I planned to stay that way for the rest of the appointment but when I saw that we had a good 20 minutes left, I knew I had to think of something to say. He kept prying for me to say something. Finally I broke my gaze and looked at his eyes at him angerily.
"You're angry." He said.
"Good guess." I snapped.
"Why?" He said too kindly.
"Everything I say you're just going to shoot down. WHY tell you?"
He took a deep breath like he was tired. "Because issues need to be talked through. If you're angry, I need to know why."
"Even if I went to the fucking meeting it won't do SHIT." I realized I was yelling and should probably lower my voice. I've never yelled at Julio before. He told me to keep going. To get mad at him. That just made me even more irritated because he wasn't listening. I rubbed my face with my hands, aggitated. Earlier in the appointment he told me I had a person to go with me to the meeting, and that showed me that people cared, and that I was lucky. Bull.Shit. I'm so alone. I snapped at him:
"WHO cares if I have (someone) going with me to the meetings. That doesn't mean people care for me. I'm fucking alone. And that doesn't fix shit for my life. You have NO idea how bad this has gotten."
"How bad has it gotten?"
"You never fucking ask me."
"I'm asking you."
"I go to the grocery store every day to buy food. Everyday. I binge every night. Huge binges. I purge every night. My leg goes numb every night. Last night I got this shooting pain down my leg. I started to sob after that. Sometimes I sob mid purge. Sometimes after purging. Sometimes when I wake up in the morning. I feel like a zombie all day. All I think about is food day in and day out. From the moment I wake up."
"How much do you weigh now?"
"I dunno. 82."
He asked me if I wanted him to ask about my eating issues more. I don't know what prompted that. Maybe cause I said I feel like he doesn't know what's going on. So maybe that will change things. He said he'd be more then happy to talk about them more.
I've noticed the last couple times I've seen Julio that they aren't adding on appointments like they usually do. They use to scheduel me ahead every week because he fills up. After I saw Julio they'd add on to my existing appointments. The last few times they haven't added an appointment. What does this mean and why haven't they told me? Are they just trying to hide the fact that they are ending my treatment sometime soon? Hello? I'm not better. Infact, I'm dying inside, emotionally and physically. What.The.Fuck. Despite the fact that I've been seeing Julio for a long time doesn't mean it's time to stop. I wish they'd let me know what's going on.