2004-02-22, 10:06 p.m.
Today the woman that I go with to ED meetings(she doesn't have an ED, she just supports me), and that I use to live with, told me that I look like I'm losing more weight. According to my scale today, I am BMI 15.1, or 80 pounds. Looking at the scale, I did not bat an eyelash. They are all numbers to me now. Looking at her, my reaction was the same. "Ya?" I responded. No tone in my voice, not excited, not disapointed. We talked about how she noticed that I'm wearing baggier clothes lately, and she was wondering if that was to hide my weight loss. I asked her if she thought that total strangers could tell that I'm..you know..eating disordered. She said people probably thought I was anorexic, not bulimic. When it comes down to it, however, because I'm underweight, I would be diagnosed as a purging anorexic, I guess.
It's funny. I was talking to her about how the pants I was wearing were pants that I use to refuse to wear because they pinched my thighs and made me feel self concious and fat. Now they fell on and off without unbuttoning them and they looked almost ridiculous because they were so huge. Many of my clothes are like that. I can't wear fitted clothes because I feel like they make me look too thin and when I wear clothes I'm comfortable in, they're baggy and oversized.
One of my reasons for wanting to lose weight because I felt fat in all my clothes. Now I can't wear any of my clothes.