2004-03-05, 9:01 p.m.
I'm making peanut butter bars. I'm hungry. No big deal. I'm always hungry. I guess I'm really hungry though, because I can't stop nibbling on things. I can't control my nibbling and it's making me mad because I know I'm consuming more calories than I like. Suddenly, I'm throwing together these peanut butter bars because I want them done as fast as possible so I can eat.
I'm bingeing wildily. I'm heating soup, dipping bread in it, burning my mouth, and shoving food in my mouth. When all the soup is gone and the bread starts to taste bland, I hit the fridge to look more food. Honestly, I can't even remember what I made or what was eaten. Everything was so distant. I was consuming food, barely aware that it was something I shouldn't be doing. All I could think about was "what else..what else can I eat..." While I was shoveling, more food was cooking. Sometime between the burritos and the icecream, something snapped, and I woke up from my dreamy binge state. I thought to myself "oh, shit." My eating slowed down, and the icecream infront of me didn't look so appealing. I finished the bowl of icecream, and left the microwavable dinner in the microwave. I didn't want it anymore. That's when I made my way upstairs to undue the damage. Everything still felt fuzzy, like when you wake up from sleeping, but I was more aware. You'd think I'd be done with my bingeing for the day, but now I'm at it again. I can't break the nightly binges. I sit and eat my peanut butter bars and type. Very tired. :o Don't want to purge. *sigh* I wish I just had the option to just go to bed.
For the record, 81 this morning. I haven't said my weight in here for a long time. There's a reason for that. When my weight is between 80-83, it's all just numbers to me. It doesn't matter. When it's 83.5-84, I freak, but it usually drops within a day because it's usually water loading or constipation. So my weight isn't really changing. And what different does it make anymore? Sometimes I'd like to get down to 75. Or lose so much weight I wind up in the hospital. I like being so underweight that I don't get my period, though. That's a nice inconvienance to lose.
Off to the porcelian god.