2004-03-08, 9:49 p.m.
Nothing is happening.
I wake up. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I am too tired to think the thoughts that make me cry. I shower and go to school. I spend the day reading and sleeping and trying not to let my teachers see. I go home. I try not to eat. I buy binge food. I prepare binge food before my dad gets home. I eat. All night. I throw up. Forever. I fall asleep very late because I can't turn off the pain in my heart and the voices that scream in my head. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night from a dream, sweating, gasping. My dreams are all about guilt. Guilt that I'm not going to school, guilt that I have a secret, guilt that I'm getting fatter and fatter, guilt that I ate.
The next morning, I wake up, absolutely exausted. I repeat the previous day. Except now I'm just more tired then the day before.
Loneliness cosumes me. I see friends laughing and I turn my head away in agony. Mention the word "friend" or anything related, and my eyes fill with tears. If I think to myself or say the words outloud "I'm lonely", "I want a friend." I break down sobbing. I'm walking through the parking lot at school and all I need to think is "I wish I had just one single friend." and I start crying. People look at me funny. I would look at my funny too. I am loaner. I am silent.
I am going to go purge.