2004-03-10, 7:35 p.m.
I took a nap this afternoon because I was up till 2 am purging last night/this morning.
I had the most pathetic dream. I was in the teacher's classroom that I aide for - she's an english teacher. She walked over and sat on MY lap. But she was being very affection, laughing, talking. Other students were around but didn't find this odd. At one point, the rolls switched, and I was on her lap. She put her arm around me and drew me in really close. I was leaning against her body. She was talking to someone else, but still had me close to her. I remember in my dream wondering she knew what she was doing, but I leaned in close back on her. It was comforting, I remember.
I have a lot of respect for that english teacher. I had her as a teacher a few years ago. She's really smart, witty, and nice. She's in her late 20's, and single. She went to college when she was 17.
It's not hard to interpret the dream. I'm looking for a motherly figure, and love. I feel stupid because I've had a couple other dreams about her. Not as direct as that, but the interpretations could be taken the same way.
I'm lonely and pathetic. I'm dying for attention. I practice witty remarks, plan out responses if so-and-so might say this to me. However, no one talks to me at all. So all this practice goes to waste and is pointless. Not to mention stupid.
I went to an OA meeting yesterday. Brownie points and a gold star for me. I only went because I had to. The person I'm going with would not believe another exusce, I'm sure. That meeting is a big reason why I was up so late last night. I've been up late consistently for days, barfing my guts out. Tonight I'm determined to go to bed early, but we'll see. I always manage to draw out the purge, which is bad, because of calorie absorbing and just making me even more tired. I really thought I was going to fall over today in the grocery store. I was so tired. Thats when I realized I was pushing myself too far. I needed to take a nap. It's okay to take a nap. You can't run on 4 hours a night, for 5 days. I can't, atleast. Just because I hear about other people doing it doesn't mean I'm capable of doing it. It's weird how suddenly exaustion hits you. One minute I'm just zombie mel, the next i'm about to fall over and sleep on the ground somewhere. "Gradually then suddenly."
Okay, tonight I have to be good. Purge quick. Purge without thinking. Purge without stopping.
I just want my bed. Long sleep. A full nights sleep. I can't remember the last time I had one of those. Oh, and on a side note. How long has it been since I've had my period? My god.