2004-03-13, 9:42 p.m.

Because of this,

I'm lying to those who are close to me, I'm flat broke, I've shut out all my old best friends, I'm so weak I can't bring myself to leave the house, I'm stealing food and money, my days revolve around food and this disorder.

But atleast I can say I'm thin, right?

What a trade off.

Last night my group of friends, that I've shut off, that have shut me out, whatever you want to pick, called me. It was Adam's birthday and he invited me to go out with them for pizza and a movie. I said I had to babysit, I'm sorry, happy birthday.

Why did I lie? Because I much rather sit at home with my food. Because I was physically and mentally too tired to deal with seeing all of them for the first time in eons. Because I had been fasting all day and I couldn't wait to eat. Nor could I deal with the pizza they'd be eating. For the past few days I have been majorly restricting during the day, more than usual, because of a recent weight gain. It was only a few pounds but it freaked me out. After the first day, I was back to my normal size, so it must've been water weight or something. netherless, i was on a role so i keep restricting like crazy. no nibbling, no nothing. my diet during the day consists of lettuce, celery, coffee, tea, and sweetener. when i get ravenous, i allow myself a little broccoli or some other kind of veggie. i will not allow the slightest TASTE of another forbidden food. I did good, even when I had to babysit. I didn't munch on any of there yummy forbidden foods. Today I didn't do as good. I didn't have any forbidden foods, but I ate a lot more of the "safe" foods.

This morning, I woke up and cried. I thought about what I did last night, lying to adam and all. I felt so terrible. Not about the lie exactly. But the fact that I lied just to stay home and binge and the fact that I've totally shut them out. My life has turned to nothing. I have nothing.