2004-04-15, 6:46 p.m.

Last night I was probably 2 barfs into my nightly purge when I lifted my head from the toilet, met my reflection, and saw a stream of blood down the corner of my mouth and down my face. Then I looked at my hand and saw that it too had a good amount of blood on it.


Okay, don't panic. Maybe I just scratched the roof my mouth? I washed my hand and mouth out and examined. Nada. I stuck my hand into the back of my throat and my hand came out clean. I kept on purging willing myself not to open my eyes, fearing I'd see blood. I kept going till I was tired and needed to blow my nose, and an identical stream of blood was down my cheek. Fuckity Fuck Fuck. I straightened to wipe it away and pain shot through my leg. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME. I fell to the grown in a bloody, snotty, pain-filled mess. I cried because my leg hurt so bad and I was scared and I hate life. The blood stopped midway into my purge, but I don't think that was a good sign.

This morning I saw my drug doctor. He's so nice. He told me about how the main nerve in your leg runs, and how that's similiar to the pain that curves and hurts in my leg. So maybe that's what it is. Before I left he said,

"Well, I'll keep praying for you."

I said, almost sarcastically,

"Do you pray for all your patients?"

"No. But some need it more than others."