2004-04-13, 6:51 p.m.
I went to bed late last night, yet I couldn't sleep in. There was so much on my mind. I'm so scared. The future looks bleek and lonely. I've made this future for me. Then I went outside to a street sweeping ticket on my car. The hate for myself grew bigger. I stepped on the scale to 82. Everything just spiraled from there. I tried to make my day good, but I felt like shit. I read and ate my lunch of peas outside. Everything went so slow. I wanted the hours to speed up, but at the same time, I knew the evening would just bring a binge and purge and I didn't want that. Binges and purges use to be enjoyable but now they're bad because of my fucking leg. Not only do I feel the pain at night now, all day I walk around with a numb upper leg, and a slight pain at times. It's so frustrating and scary.
I caved in, out of fear. I called the doctor. I made an appointment for next monday. I have to get a physical, too, for that stupid blackmail deal my youth leaders made for me. I still haven't talked to my youth pastor since the fight.
Bah. I'm getting that pain. I don't see Julio till next Wednesday. I was going to wait till I saw him to see what I should do but I can't wait. I don't know what they'll do for me, but it can't hurt worse than this. I have to keep getting up from sitting here and writing this to lie down to make the pain tolerable.
I'm 17 (18 in 9 days...). This shouldn't be happening to me. I should be happy and healthy. I should be able to function day by day. I should have friends. I should go out in the evening instead of sitting infront of plates full of food and pans of cakes and cookies. How did this happen? How did my "diet" spiral into this? How did I do this to myself?
How will I get out? Can I get out?
I just want to die. There's so much that time, treatment, nothing, that can fix this. I've permamently damaged so much. I can't even think about how much I've fucked up for the rest of my life. Dying would be better then trying to fix this.
I'm going to go take a bath for my leg, then throw up.