2004-04-11, 9:18 p.m.
what the fuck is going on?
That pain I get when I walk after a binge...it's happening during my binge. But I'm just sitting. I want to cry. Make it stop. I keep changing posistions, but the pain just shoots through my leg. Sometimes it's worse then other times so I can deal, but this is harldy tolerable.
FUCKgkjldfjgdfzgdfkgg. THE PAIN.
I'm trying to enjoy my fucking peanut butter cookies but I can't sit still with this pain.
Things just keep getting worse.
God. I need to update about other things but I can hardly think.
God...I just got up to go to the bathroom and the pain...never been so bad. The pain that shot through my leg..I fell over. The sobs....I'm laying on the ground trying to make the pain stop. My dad walked out of the bathroom and I pretend to be looking for something while I try to make the pain stop. It's not as bad as when it first started so I'm not sobbing.
I can't live like this.
Let me update about other stuff thne come back to my god damn leg.
Last night I went downstairs freshly washed after my purge. My mom kept ragging on my face. Saying it looks like I had an allergic reaction to my face wash, or i'm breaking out again. I'm so sensistive to remarks about my face and hearing it from her didn't help. We got in a fight and I was making remarks about her getting help for the voices in her head and she was making remarks about caring about how she can't look at me without looking away. That hurts. A lot. since i'm so sensistive about that. She said "Don't you care about your appearence?" I said "Don't you care about YOURS, FAT ASS?" I was shaking when I went upstairs. I could hear myself calling her a fat ass. She was silent after that. I kept seeing her shoveling cheesecake in her mouth when I went into the kitchen before our fight, and the crumbs surrounding her mouth. It disgusted me, but look at me everynight, eating pounds of food and sweets. I kept hearing her cruel remarks. I sobbed myself to sleep, exausted.
Today my friend called me. I hardly see her. We went to the park with her boyfriend/my friend. We fed the ducks, read, she did homework. We brought her new puppy and was entertained by his reaction to the ducks and water. It was a pleasent day. I left around 6:00 because i was ravenous and wanted to go binge. Christie and her mom kept asking me to stay, and i felt guilty ,but i couldn't because i was just so hungry. Before I left Christie's mom said "Well Melissa's leaving because she's tired...but if she would just eat SOMETHING she wouldn't be so tired."
After I left I went to the store to buy a liter of diet coke for my binge that night. I realized I accidently took Christie's wallet when we paid to get into the park. I went back to her house. When I walked into the house Christie's mom said "Oh we were just tlaking about you!" "Oh?" I said. "Yes. We were saying how cute you were." "huh?" "How cute your personality is. And how beautiful your eyes are. Has anyone ever told you that?" "No.." "And just that you're so cute. And that if you just gained 10 lbs..." it seemed like to me that that's what they were probably talking about. my weight. if i just gained weight i'd be cute. It was odd. I felt like there was something missing to what they were telling me. But I left.
I can't write anymore. There's so much more to say but I can't sit here because my leg hurts so much. I need to go purge or lie down for a second or take a bath or something. I want to cry or die or something.