2004-04-09, 8:50 p.m.
It's finally spring break. I say hooray because I don't have to worry about missing classes or dealing with the burdan of school all together, but at the same time, dread comes over me. For the next 9 days, I will sit at home by myself with nothing to do but to try to not eat during the day and wait for evening to come. Plus, temptation will be high to eat more during the day during the hours I'm usually at school, and I might slip into b/p mode more often. My routine is going to be all fucked up.
I am very fat. I've gained weight. Maybe a pound or two. It feels like 10. I can't get it off of me. It haunts me to extent that if the scale doesn't give me a nice number at night, I won't weigh myself in the morning. I still can figure out what my weight will probably be in the morning, but it's better this way. I haven't weighed myself in the morning for a few days.
I won't see therapist for another couple weeks. I guess he's taking a break. When I seriously think about recovery, which I know I have to do sometime, I see myself in a hospital. When? I don't know. Everyone who knows about this (most if not all online) ask me if I've considered a hospital, tell me I should check into a hospital, i'm going to die, i'm really ill, blah blah. Maybe I shut out there voices because I know they're right.
My health continues to go down. Pain pain pain in my leg. I try to walk after I binge but the pain is so sharp in one of my legs I fall over. I cry out. I have to pretend everything is fine if one of my parents come upstairs. Is everything okay? Oh, ya, sure. I just dropped something. But it hurts so bad. I take one step...cautious..no pain. Another..anoth..ZAP. Pain shoots through and I want to die it hurts so bad.
There are these twins in the english class I aide for. It's odd, because one is "normal" weight and the other is slightly on the "too thin" side. It's weird cause they're twins but there weight difference makes them look so different. I look at the thin one and I honestly dont find her as attractive as the one who has more weight on her. I'm not like, checking her out, but what I mean is the one who is "normal" has a figure, her face doesn't look gaunt and drawn in. She doesn't look unproportional and off and just plain..odd. The skinny one looks just...too thin. Her cheekbones show too much, she has no figure like her sister.
And I have this same problem. I go shopping for jeans and no matter what I try on I hate. And it's because I have no figure. I'm looking for something that doesn't exist in me. I don't fill out the pants. Everything sags funny. The size zeros sag in the ass and bag at the ankles. I feel fat in everything. I buy the size zeros, then if i gain one pound, i feel fat in them.
I feel fat in the size zeros. Fat.In.Size.Zeros.
That fit me. No wait, I could use a belt, or else i keep tugging them up a bit. I fit size 12-14 in girl's the best.
Someone cut my brain out. Because my head is very, very sick.