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2004-04-21, 8:11 p.m.

tommorow is my birthday.

and tonight i'm seriously considering running away.

everything is crumbeling.

the jig is up.

i want to make another appointment with julio, though i just saw him today.

i need to start living, go into treatment, or give up.

i'm too tired to put up this fight of pretending and lying and running when everyone knows.

maybe i should run for real. literally.

just steal some money from my parents, take some food, a blanket or two, a pillow, and hit the road.

sleep in my car for a few days, drive around, and clear my mind.

return when i got this figured out.

i dunno.

I can't stop thinking of ways to kill myself. Or what I'd do with my things. I'd be better of dead. I wake up in the morning and think "I can't handle another day."

I read an interesting quote. "A wise man lives as long as he ought to, not as long as he can."

I should just go into treatment. Just give in. I can't do this anymore. I can't scrounge for binge food anymore. I can't lie about being bulimic. I can't hide food. I can't listen to my dad say "How much are you going to eat? No one can eat that much!"

Can't. Can't.

I can't go into treatment.

I can't be alone in a hospital focusing on my recovery day in and day out.

I can't live anymore.

I don't know what to do. I just want to run away. Sleep all day. Get away from this all.

Should I call Julio? I just saw him today. Why didn't this come up today? What should I do? I don't see him till May 5th. I can't fight till May 5th.

What do I do. What do I do.

Run or stay?

Live or die?

Purge or starve?

Questions Questions.

Someone, anyone. Tell me.

In 4 hours I will be an adult and I can't figure out whether I want to to continue to breath or not. This is pathetic.