I have become comfortably numb
2004-05-20, 12:33 a.m.

I can't sleep. I feel like I haven't slept in days(or nights) but I still stay up staring at the bright screen of my computer sipping tea late into the night. I have school in 6 hours or so, but I know if I tried to go to sleep, I'd lie in bed staring into darkness.

I lost a bit of weight finally. It's a big relief. I purge over the toilet thinking I need to be THIN. But then I think WHY do I need to be THIN. I spend so much god damn time, energy, and money on trying to be THIN and I have no reason and no goal. Plus, I'm never happy.

I feel completely numb. I wonder if It's because I've stopped taking my meds or it's just some mood swing I'm going through. I am ambivalent. I don't go to school enough, I don't watch my money enough, I don't care what I look like enough. I'm in la la land.

I still haven't heard from my doctors. It makes me mad that Julio hasn't called to set up some kind of appointment. My schedueled appointment with him isn't until mid June but they were going to try to get me in earlier. After my drug doctor contacting him over my last appointment with him, you'd think Julio would try to get me in. But no, he's just a bastard that doesn't really care about me. No one does. Maybe my ambivalence is a sign of me giving up. I know I can't kill myself, I don't think I have much hope, and I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do about things nor do I want to think about it. I've gone into a state of shock-numbness. I dunno.

I think I'll crawl up in a little ball on my bed. I'll think about nothing. Watch my life slip away. Try to will myself to fall asleep. Be completely numb. Pretend I don't exist.