2004-05-27, 7:17 p.m.
Okay. Let's NOT see anyone we know at the grocery store anymore.
Yesterday I nearly RAN into the head pastor of my church. OK. NOT good. He knows about my eating disorder and there I was in the grocery store, panicked, rushing down aisles. When I saw him, I tried to hide down the frozen food aisle, but I think he saw me. I pretended I didn't see him, though it was pretty obvious, and didn't say anything. God. Embarresing.
Today I went back to the same store (Do I have no shame? The pizza is on sale, ok?) And I thought I saw the car of a girl I use to hang out with in the parking lot. I went in, and it was confirmed. She was standing in line for Starbucks. Jesus Christ. I ducked and ran down the opposite side of the store. Under my breath I kept saying "damn damn damn." a lady looked at me funny. I realized I was talking out loud. I got everything I needed from the other side of the store, and made my way to frozen. I thought she'd be gone by then, (how long can it take to order a drink) but there she was laughing with someone I've never seen before. The other girl looked much younger then her. I know she saw me, but she was pretending not to. I decided to stop pretending and meet eyes, say hi, and continue. But she wouldn't even look at me. Bitch. Fine, I thought, I'll just ignore her. I passed the aisle I wanted to go down and nearly colided with my second grade teacher and her husband, also a couple I know well that goes to my church. "Hiiii! How are you?" she says to me. Jesus CHRIST IN HEAVEN LEAVE ME ALONE. I DON'T WANT TO TALK. I DON'T WANT TO MAKE SMALL TALK. I JUST WANT TO GET MY FOOD AND GO HOME. "Hello! How are you?" She replies fine then I turn around and go to the next aisle. When I'm returning down that aisle, there they are again. How convienant. Then her husband gets on me. "So you're graduating soon?" GOD. Why is every adult asking me that. What do they expect me to say "nope. I'm not"? They know what I'm going to say. So leave me alone. Instead I grit my teeth and say "Yup. Well I better be going!" And I head to check out. The first cashier is a no because that's the one that rang me up yesterday. The other is a no because he always comments on my purchases. The last line is a mile long. Jesus what am I going to do. I huff and stand in the mile long check out. People look at me funny because they know there are shorter lines.
Finally I'm home and safe with my food. My bags and bags of food. I don't even remember what I bought or why I bought it. At the time, everything had a reason and was carefully bought. Now when I'm rushing to cook things before my dad gets home, I don't even feel like bingeing and purging sounds like the worse torture in the world.
I just know I have to do it.
Day after day. It's all the same.