2004-06-05, 3:22 p.m.
I'm shaking and shoveling grapes in my mouth to try to calm my nerves. I always try to keep my mouth occupied when I'm nervous.
I went to buy doughnuts. I had to have doughnuts for tonight's binge. The first place I went to was closed at 3:00 PM. Stupid place. The second place I went to was a 24 hour place. Score. I carefully chose my dozen from maple bars, sprinkled, and custard filled. My heart pounded looking at all the choices. I finally had my dozen, then I went to check out. I handed her my debit card, the one I got for my birthday, with a prepaid amount on it.
She told me they only accept cash. I had 2 dollars on me.
Fuck. Fuck. No. I need my doughnuts. I asked if I could come back.
I rushed home. The longest 5 minutes of my life. How am I going to get 3 dollars. I can't ask my dad. He just gave me 7 dollars this morning. My mom will bitch at me. I asked my brother, right infront of my dad. He stared intently at me as my brother handed me a 5, clueless.
I rushed back. I payed for them, excited. But how am I going to sneak the huge box in. I pulled up to the garage, and of course, it's open, and of course, my dad is in it. FUCK.
I left the box in, carried the rest of my groceries in, and tried to think.
Brillantly, I pulled out my mom's car (I had no gas so I took my mom's) and went around the corner to my car. I took the box out, put it in mine, and put my mom's car back. Then I decided i'll sneak it through the front door. But when I went back inside, my dad was inside. What. The. Fuck. But I thought i might be able to sneak it past him anyway, so I went outside, when I was sneaking up to the front door, my dad walked out. I froze like a deer in headlights. I tried to act casual, and stiffly walked past him, stupidly. He took out his wallet and handed me gas money. He inquired what was in the box.
I pushed past him, mumbled nothing, and went upstairs to my room.
Now I sit and shake.
God, this is getting ridiculous. Sneaking food, lying, all this money spending. When am I going to stop?
I feel so numb lately. I have no idea how I feel. I don't feel bad, I don't feel good. All I do is eat and puke. Eat and puke. All I feel is food and fat. All I think about is food and fat. Nothing else is important. Nothing else matters. I'm so stupid.
I'm going to go bake some cookies.
Because I'm stupid. And I must numb myself before I have a chance to think.