2004-05-31, 4:50 p.m.
I'm in a foul mood.
I was relieved to have a three day weekend, but I haven't been able to sleep in at all. I wake up early in the morning, anxious. I feel like I have tons of things to do and like I have to get up right away, though I tell myself to go to bed for a couple more hours. Meh.
I went shopping today. I'm going to Hawaii with my parents this summer and need a swimsuit and some more "summer-y" type clothing. The size 1 shorts I tried on fell off. I could slip on the size zero without unbuttoning them, but they stayed on my hips, so I got them. I couldn't bare to admit I probably should go into the little girl's department. My legs looked stick-like underneath the shorts. I thought of how other girls my age wore tight jeans with their ass-fat hanging out. My shorts looked like running shorts, baggy, with plenty of room all around my leg. I sighed and stripped them off without unbuttoning them. I just wanted to go home and put on my comfortable pajamas where waste size doesn't matter and I can hide in the bagginess of it all.
Shopping exausts me. Walking around from store to store, all the colors, sizes, not fitting. I start to feel dizzy.
The worse is swim suit shopping. The first one I tried on, I decided to get. Okay, It fit. Time to go.
When I got home I scarfed down a bowl of peas and 2 glasses of crystal lite. I felt 90% better, but I could eat a lot more. I'm always hungry. There's a hole in my heart that reverts itself to my stomach.
I was trying to find what would satisfy that hole in the grocery store. Do I want doughnuts? Too expensive. Cookies? What kind? So many. So many. I was getting dizzy with the choices and prices. If I stare too long at the display, people stare at YOU.
The worse thing happened at checkout. I didn't have enough money. 4 cents. 4 fucking cents. I carefully caculated but the damn soda tax through me off. I was so embarresed. There are all these people behind me and my heart started to pound as I'm staring at my hand of change and wadded 5 dollar bill. I had them charge my coke on my debit card, and then paid for my pizza with cash. How ridiculous I felt. People behind me nervously smiled. I had my purse, change, money, and debit card in my hand and was getting confused with what I was doing.
I scrambled out of the store so fast.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
My dad just stares at my grocery bags as I come into the house. As he does everyday. Trying to use x-ray vision to see what's in there. Just say something. It's easier if he says something. Then I can fire something back. Silence is worse. I can handle arguing. Not silence.
Still nothing from doctors. I hate silence. I have no idea what Julio is thinking about all of this. Damn Julio. Burn in hell, Julio.
I'm angry, today.
I suck. Today sucks. Life sucks. My parents suck. Food sucks.