2004-06-20, 7:39 p.m.
There's something very wrong with my body. I feel like I have the flu but no symptons. I'm so, so weak and tired. Walking downstairs is too much to ask of me. I don't even have much of an appetite. These past two days when I purge, it's like my body is rejecting the food. It's like...projectile vomiting. I feel like I'm physically sick when I'm purging, not making myself vomit.
I feel like I'm withering away. I'm trying to tell myself I'm okay - went to church this morning, went out for father's day -- but every movement is too much. I took my temperature but I think the thermometer is broken because it gave my brother a low reading as well. meh. My weight keeps dropping day after day, and I'm not even trying to lose weight. 84, 83, 82, and this morning, it gave me 80. I didn't believe it, so I zeroed it out, stepped on it again, and it said somewhere between 80 and 81. Who knows.
I didn't even feel like bingeing and purging tonight. I kept trying to convince myself food sounded good and I wanted to. What the hell?
Maybe I'm feeling sick because I can't stop thinking about Tuesday. Tuesday I see Julio and I need to make some kind of decision about treatment. I can't stop thinking about it. I'm dreadfully depressed and lonely, as of late, but I can't fathom telling my dad. Everytime I see him I think of what he'd do if I just blurted out the fact I need treatment.
The thought of suicide looms. I wake up in the morning and my room is so dark and I'm so sad. I have no desire to get out of bed or move. It doesn't help that I physically feel like I can't move, either.
What's going on? Everything is so dreary. It sounds stupid, but I feel like this possibly can't be my fault or my eating disorder. That I must be sick, God is cursing me, or something else besides that my body just can't take this anymore.
Meh. Am I really that much in denial?