2004-06-21, 6:09 p.m.
I'mOkayI'mOkayI'mOkayI'mOkay.
If I keep telling myself that, I might believe it. I might be able to keep going.
This morning, scale said somewhere between 79 and 80. BMI 15. I think a new low? I still have no appetite and feel sick when I think about food. I forced myself to binge...why? After I write this entry, I'll go purge.
Therapist office called today. Said therapist asked to move my appt to Wednesday. I don't know why, but I agreed. I have nothing to do, so why not. Why not? I'm dying. Slowly dying. My weight is dropping, I have no energy, and I'm fucking scared out of my mind. What's going on? He needs to know. Oh well. One more day? I just want this day to end so I can go to sleep. I could barely pull on clothes to drive myself around the corner to 7-11 to get a sugar free red bull. I was wondering if I should be driving. It was hard to concentrate and turn the wheel. I felt too weak to turn the wheel. And after I forked out the fucking 2 dollars, I still didn't get any energy from the bloody thing. My hands have been shaking all day.
I'm afraid that tommorow I'll have lost more weight, but I'm afraid of gaining anything, too.
For father's day yesterday, my family went out to lunch then to the beach. I had my usual dinner salad. After I ate it, I was walking back to the car to get my beach stuff. I felt like I was going to vomit. I was walking and telling myself "you're not going to puke, you're not going to puke."
I keep randomly feeling like I'm going to either puke or pass out. Then the thoughts start to go through my head "I'm dying..I'm dying.."
Maybe I should just go into IP.