2004-06-25, 9:42 p.m.
It's stupid. I feel like everything has lost meaning because hey..I'm going away to treatment..so why bother trying..what's the point in faking it...I'm doomed. But I know the world hasn't ended and things are still living and I probably have quite awhile till I go to treatment, but I can't quit thinking about it. Everything that happens is directly related to me going to treatment. I start to run out of chapstick and I think "I better bring several tubes of chapstick to treatment." I'm purging and I think "This will be one of my last times purging..ever." But who knows if they'll fix me and I'll decide to get better or if I'll come home and I'll just start up purging all over again.
Today was disasterous. My little bout with illness, not feeling hungry, feeling weak has subsided and now I'm back to always being hungry again. Today is my sister's birthday and I had her BBQ tonight. I was killing time, waiting for when I had to go over there. 1 hour. 1 hour. What will I do with 1 hour. Damn. I'm so hungry. I want food. Probably atleast 3 hours till I can binge. How will I last? Then I'm throwing food in the microwave, buttering bread, sopping it into soup...I hate when I binge during the day. I feel so out of control. I don't know how to make myself stop. I sit in the kitchen and it's a matter of "what else..what else..what else"
Before my mid day binge, I made myself some soup broth with some veggies. Supposively safe food, but it feels guilty because it's good. I wonder if somehow the broth really isn't a mere 50 calories. I only eat half, but feel like I must've consumed too much because I feel warm and satisfied. I want more. I decide I'll purge what I ate so I can eat more. What the fuck? I never feel okay with anything inside of me, digesting, unless it's celery or salad.
Later was sister's bbq. It was miserbal. Everyone was laughing and drinking and eating. I stood around awkwardly and inhaled two diet cokies and munched on carrots and broccoli. I hovered in the kitchen, then in the living room, and back again. My sister told me to come out of the kitchen, but when I did she didn't talk to me. I stood by the BBQ to stay warm and talked with my sister's boyfriend - one of the only familiar faces. I just wanted to leave and go home to binge, but I knew I had to stay long enough to do the whole party scene. As soon as they started to serve food, I had to get out of there before I lost it.
I don't know why, but being around so many people made me so lonely. When I went to the bathroom, I just stared into the mirror and deep loneliness flooded over me. I didn't want to leave the safety of the bathroom.
I almost felt sorry for my mom. Everyone lied to her so she wouldn't know about the BBQ. I came home and she was all confused what was going on. She was wondering about dinner and why my dad was so late. I told her I didn't know where my brother was. While I fixed my binge food, she made her own dinner. It was sad to see her struggle to do something so unfamiliar to her. My dad came home at 8:45, ate a slice of the frozen pizza she cooked, and went to sleep. My mom doesn't know he was at my sister's bbq laughing and drinking.
Our lives are all one big lie.