2004-06-30, 11:46 p.m.
What is on my mind today?
Today. On. My. Mind.
I'm thinking about how the grocery store clerk said "No pizza today? Isn't that what you usually buy?" And I laughed and then walked out and sobbed in my car because my life is just food. All it is food. Everyday I plan what I'm going eat, I spend the day making it, then I eat it, puke it, repeat. And I'm so fucking worthless. I'm nothing. I'm lies, I'm bad, I'm a waste.
And I'm tired. I just want to throw in the towel and check myself into a hospital and sleep in a nice clean white sterile bed and wither away and die. I can't take anymore of this. I can't stop. Sometimes I say to myself "I just shouldn't b/p tonight. I don't need to. I don't WANT to." But then I always do. It's like an automatic reflex.
I'm so afraid. I don't think I'll ever get better. I've fucked myself up for life because I just wanted to be thin. And now I'm under 80 lbs, freezing, exausted, and I can't stop myself.
Weee. Good job, loser.
Nothing from Julio this week. I was suppose to get a call and they were going to get me an opening at one of locations, but nada. nothing. silence. i'm alone with my food.
I'm never in danger, physically, of dying, but god, I wish this would just kill me already.