2004-07-03, 12:31 a.m.
It's 12:31 AM and I can't sleep. I'm thinking about food and what I want to eat tommorow. I want to eat right now. A lot. I want to shove lots and lots of food in my mouth and fill the hunger inside of me. I just purged 2 hours ago. Lots of food. According to the scale, I purged 13 lbs worth of food.
And now I feel so hungry I probably could eat that amount of food again.
But I can't. There is this fear that grows inside of me when I get near food. No matter what I plan to do with the food, The Fear builds as food enters me. If it's forbidden food, and I plan to throw it up, my heart races, my stomach grows, I eat without tasting, and I am momentarily satisfied. Then I just feel disgusting, and I eat more. If I'm allowing myself to eat, all I can think about is every bite I'm consuming. I count the calories and the fat. I feel my stomach getting fatter, my thighs bulging, and intense guilt. I want to enjoy the food and I can't stop eating it because I'm usually so hungry, but every bite haunts me.
I hate this relationship with food. Everyday revolves around it. When I will eat next, what I'm purging, what I'm keeping down, what's making me gain, if I'm losing, how thin I look, ect ect. Can I eat this? Can I eat that? What do I feel like bingeing on tonight? How will I get that binge food past my parents? When will I make it, consume it, purge it?
Then, after it's all over, and I'm laying in bed, shaking, I'm thinking about the food I will eat the next day. I'm thinking about repeating this fucking mess all over again.
Why would I want to do repeat the horror again? I think some reason it might be different. I might find some magic food combinition that will fill me up, make me happy, satisfy me and taste so good I will be happy. But that food doesn't exist. I can't cook anything that will fill the loneliness, dispair, and the TRUTH is that I'm a worthless piece of shit that's throwing her life away to this eating disorder. I can eat every casserole, bake every cookie, and buy every fast food, but I will JUST WANT MORE.
And I will still be unhappy.