Just want to binge.
2004-07-14, 5:24 p.m.

It's been a bit, so I guess I should update.

I saw my old friends a couple days ago. We went to the movies and to Denny's afterwards. I felt really awkward and out of place the whole time. They were consumed with their clothes, hair, looks, and sex. They kept going on about their current boys, one of which has a boyfriend, the other sleeps around immensly. Over Denny's they kept talking about the guys they slept with and what they did. One girl talked about how she liked oral sex. I sat there and starred at my salad. I was worried about how much dressing I put on it. Maybe it was too much? It was a reality check because while I'm not totally inexpierenced, I am a virgin, and I am by no means sleeping around currently. I don't even really have a desire to have sex. I felt so out of place. They didn't even try to include me into the conversation, or seem to notice that I wasn't talking.

Today I had Julio. He doesn't seem to be any further with getting me into treatment then last week, but he's still seeing me weekly. I guess they're just waiting for a reply from my insurance company. After that, Julio said, we talk to my dad. Shit. I don't look foward to that. But he said he'll do most of the talking. But despite that fact - shit.

Yikes..I just left my computer and my brother was sitting here. I hope he didn't read anything.

Anyway, I'm bingeing like mad lately. When I came home from that late movie and Denny's outing, I was majorly hungry and majorly craving everything else everyone ate. It was nearly 1 am and I had to be up in 7 hours. I told myself - no. Don't even think about it. But before I could stop myself I was eating, cooking, as quiet as I could. 30 min later, I was over the toilet, about to burst into tears.

I rolled into bed at 3 AM, woke up at 8, and had a major b/p hangover.

Lately I have to really talk myself out of mid-day binges. I have to slow myself down to not over eat and trigger a binge. I can't stop eating.

Okay, Dad is home and brother is around. I'm getting paranoid.

I just wish my mom would come home with groceries, my family would eat dinner, and I could have the kitchen to myself.