2004-07-11, 7:47 p.m.
Diana asks me, then begs me, to go see Anchorman with her and her boyfriend last night. I made an exusce. Whatever I said, it was a lie. I had to binge that evening, but I couldn't tell her that.
I don't go to the Fair with my family because I want to binge in privacy.
I don't spend the fourth of July with my family and sister, like I wanted to, because I had to be able to finish my binge at a resonable hour.
I don't. I don't. I don't.
I don't do anything I feel like doing because the urge to binge and purge takes over.
I'm sobbing, screaming, freaking out at my dad and brother to fix my internet on my computer because I need to surf the web while I binge. It's my routine. My computer is jacked and I curse at my brother to fix it. I'm sitting on the living room floor in a sobbing mess. My dad looks at me like I am crazy. I probably am crazy. He says things like "It's just the internet. It's just a computer." I try to tell him I'm just fed up but in reality i'm freaking out because what will I do if I don't have the internet in my room for two nights in a row?
They want to go to the fair, but I selfishly ask my brother to hook my laptop up to the internet so I have something. I nearly break my other computer moving it off my desk.
They're at the fair, doing fun things, doing things with their life and summer, while I stuff cheez its in my mouth. Ya. This is SO much better then the outside world.
"I live in a Cemetery. I need a change."
I watched 28 Days last night while I binged. Sandra Bullock, the movie, makes recovery look so easy. Lala, I'll go into treatment, I'll meet fun people, i'll have hard times, but in the end, i'll come out clean and sober! (or not bingeing anymore?).
Today was this special Church service. All I could think about was how I need money. I'm broke. Broke from buying binge food. My youth pastor has this envelope in his desk drawer for me of money incase I'm ever in a spot (he knows how my family struggles with money - but he doesn't know that i tak his money and spend it on binge food.) Every week after church, I make some exusce to go into his office, go into his desk, and take money. I use to feel guilty taking 3 or 4 dollars. Then I took 5. Now I just take 20 because, fuck, it's easier then trying to get it over and over. Today was this huge catered event outside. I couldn't think of one reason to get into his office. Finally I asked for his keys to get a coke. I grabbed a few bills, a diet coke, and sat with everyone at a table. I felt immedietly better. I had my binge money. Everything was okay. Of course this catered event had nothing edible. Potatoe salad - maynoise, chicken - soaked in fat and bbq sauce, baked beans - some runny sauce, cookies and peach cobler - butter, flour, sugar. rolls - carbs. Not one fruit or salad available. Stupid catering service.
I feel empty. And hopeless. And I don't feel like purging.
It's nights like these where I want to purge as quick as possible, then take sleeping pills, and not wake up for a long, long time.