2004-08-03, 1:09 a.m.
I got home on Sunday, but I am a slacker, and feel like this is the first time I'm able to sit down and write a decent entry. I guess I'll take out my paper journal from the trip, and break down each day:
It's the first day of our Hawaii trip and I'm determined to enjoy myself and be normal. I wonder how many times I've wished to be home and we haven't even arrived yet. I'm drinking weak airline coffee and I have to pee for the zillionth time. I can't lie to myself and say food won't be a major complication of this trip. Like a chant I keep saying "just eat healthy amounts." so I won't starve myself to resort to b/p mode but it's hard when I have to eat foods that feel forbidden. I don't want to gain and I don't want food to be my focus on this trip.
I was trying yesterday. Really, I was. For lunch I ate my baby carrots, chopped celery, and the miniscule salad (lettuce). I knew I wouldn't last until dinner so I ate one of the two seasame seed crackers (22 1/2 cal.) and all veggies from rice plate provided on plane. I even had a couple bites of rice. I gave oreos to mom. 530 our time I got light headed. I ate tons of grapes and about 6 pickles. Guilty stomach expanded. Hungry. Dad told me not to eat too much before dinner. I reached for more grapes. We went to dinner 730 Hawaii time, 1030 home time, still jet lagged, I craved b/p. I got burger and fries, iced tea, and salad. I ate nearly all, leaving some behind to hold appearafnce. Purged in house of noodles restroom. I didn't even last a day w/out purging.
When we went grocery shopping, I bought a combo of safe foods and a few binge foods. Just.In.Case. I got stuff like ramen, chef-boyardee. Quick and cheap, so my dad won't bitch. This trip isn't suppose to be like this. I'm not suppose to be thinking about food so much. I need to relax and have fun. I just want to go home. B/p count: 1 Days till home 7
Yesterday I had fruit for breakfast and smuggled a doughhnut from continental breakfast incase I want it for a b/p later in week. It's sitting in dresser drawer. I took energy pills this morning for ravenous beast hunger, but nothing controls it. At 3 we ate lunch, and I inhaled penne w/ cream sauce and tiny salad. I then flushed 7.99 down the toilet of Pizzetta. We went shopping again and I got Corn flakes, special k bars, and more binge food.
This morning Julio's office called with an appt. I wish I was home and able to take it. It was 5 am when I woke to my cell phone ringing. I wanted to cry. I wish i was home. This is Hawaii. I'm suppose to be happy. How am I not? But it's like this blanket of darkness over me. I met some girls at the spa yesterday and they invited me to hang out with them and smoke. It feels like too much effort.
I swear I'm getting fatter by the moment. Must gain control. Must exercise. Must not return blimp. Must get happy.
Where the fuck are we driving? Going to strangle mom in sleep. Maybe punishments for crime here are not as severe. I think back bone is bruised.
Am sitting by pool. It's hot. Should swim to burn off cals. Depressed as fuck and managed to snap at both parents though only 9AM. I need this day alone to b/p. Went to vegan restaurant yesterday and got salad and miso soup. hardly touched soup. afraid of how creamy it was, even though used no milk.
purge count:2 Days left: 5
Yesterday my dad and I dropped my mom at something and dad I went to some public beaches.
After that i faked sick, and had 2 hours to myself. I went to the pool's vending machine, dollars in hand, and tried to get junk food. It wouldn't take bills, so i asked everyone at the pool for change, desperate for food. I was walking quick because i knew i had no time. no one had change. i gave up, defeated.
back at the condo, I was a beast set loose. 3 pieces of bread, 2 eggs, mounds of cheese ,bowl after bowl of cereal, ramen, burrito, doughnut, oreos.
When parents came home, dishes were washing, and I'm sipping tea, watching TV. B/P is harder here. Gotta wash up carefully. No condiments, limited food.
Today went kayaking. Miserabal right from start. Dad kept yelling at me saying I wasn't doing it right. I was tired, cold, and wet. I have no strength. I don't understand why everyone and their mom can have fun here and I can't.
Tommorow I have opportunity to stay behind in condo and b/p. I'm torn between going out and site seeing with fam or doing what I know isn't healthy - but what I really feel like doing - but is just momentarily satisfying. Can't tell if gaining or losing weight. I feel like I have to be doing one or the other. Today consumed:
1/2cup corn flakes, 1 oz milk watered down, some grapes, stalk of celery
picked out , insides of veggie sandwich, bites of cheese, 2 dorritos
salad with bean sprouts, 2 bite tofu, and couple bites of dad's dinner (just had to taste *eye roll at self*)
Getting seriously tired of salads. Craving peanut butter like mad. Wondering if dad is worried about eating habits. asked me what i was eating for breakfast today. uh..why? but you think he'd be worried when that's all i eat at every meal..salads. So far I have hoarded in a drawer in my room:
-Half a sandwich(hope doesn't go bad)
-canned smoothie(just in case??)
B/p count: 3 days left: 3
Despite my father's persistant askings, I held firm in staying behind in condo. I left before parents and walked to near by store. I bought jar of one of those combo jelly and peanut butter, and shredded cheese. Then I went to Burger king and got large fries and cheese burger. When walking back, parents were leaving. Must've saw grocery bag. Whoops. well. Back at condo had mad binge. Ate till couldn't eat anymore. Parents came home 2 hours after done, and after thought they'd be back. Bored and miserbal. I want to go into town and shop. Luau tonight. Don't want to go. Don't want to do anything. Lost meaning to life. Can't stop thinking about death and killing self and dying. Fighting tears. stopped crying all together. Life and crying is meaningless. I need miracle. Need purpose to get me through yjr day but come up empty handed. Trying to get through the week but for what? to get home to feel empty and b/p all over again.
Yesterday asked dad about mom BEFORE went crazy and said she was quiet, outgoing, nothing like how she is now. when I asked how, he said different. Wouldn't go into details.
B/p count: 4 Days left: 2 1/2
Today is checkout day but our flight doesn't leave till tonight. I'm in a rotten mood and near strangling my mom and keep snapping at my mom. I just threw my mom's purse on the floor. Were about to see a bloody waterfall. Why? How many have we seen. Everything looks the same here. Green. I just want to be home. Last night I skipped going out to dinner to b/p. I ordered a pizza and cleared out groceries from week. Just finished purge when parents came home. Walked out of bathroom with vomit on cheek and dad standing there. Whoops. I almost don't care anymore.
Almost.Need to buy bloody gifts for people but don't want to spend binge money. Me? Sick? Nah.
Binge final trip (assuming none from here to plane) count: 5 Time left: 24 hours (and 1 min)
Waiting for boarding on plane. I feel a hundred years old and 100 lbs heavier when left for trip. Must strangle screaming kids. I know parents think they're adorable but am tempted to kick them.
I guess you can say survived trip but not home just yet. Look forward to hot shower with great fondness. When looked into mirror in airplane bathroom looked worn down. Feel worse then look.
At restaurant for last dinner in Kauai lady near by kept glancing/staring as I didn't eat my salad. She'd look away when I'd look up, but I saw her looking. I picked off all cheese and half beans. C/S half slice pizza. Didn't b/p but was tempted (kudos?)
At Luau, when standing in line for food, the lady behind me pinched my arm and said "You don't eat good, do you?" Stupid fat cow. I should've pinched her arm and said "You eat too much, don't you?" God. Rude bitch. I just kind of smiled and continued to put fruit on my plate.
Time left till boarding: 36 min
Time left till home: 13 hours (approx)
Now am home, still depressed as hell. Parents are treating me like a china doll. I keep flipping out and breaking down and sobbing over nothing. Tonight I wanted to go to the store and get eggs. My mom forgot to get them when she went shopping, and I needed them for my planned b/p (breakfast burritos). I volunteered to get them while family ate dinner. My brother refused to give me money while he talked on the phone, but my mom was going to get them after dinner. But I wanted to get RIGHT THEN. I broke down and sobbed. Everything is wrong. I needed eggs. My mom is trying is calm me (god shut the fuck up crazy bitch) my dad is trying to ignore us, and I'm sobbing in the bathroom because my car is a piece of shit that's broken down twice since we got home, i'm so alone, i won't see julio for two weeks, and on top of all that, WE HAVE NO EGGS. Hah.
I feel like I'm losing my mind. Like everything is a mess, nothing can possibly make me happy ever again, and everything has lost meaning.
I can't stop thinking about dying. And I'm so, so angry at everyone and everything.
I came home weighing 77 lbs. But I think I'm gaining it back pretty fast. We got our pictures back, and I keep wondering what people see when they see my underweight body in a bikini. Or any clothes, for that matter.
Anyway, if anyone has read all of this, thanks.