I made my grave
2004-08-05, 10:08 p.m.

Last night (or this morning) I stayed up till 4 AM reading recipes and looking at TF binge pictorials. As each hour went by, I kept telling myself to get off but I just kept finding food I wanted to look at, and recipes I considered trying. I got more and more tired, and a little anxious about how late I was staying up, but I also felt a certain anxiety that I might miss some recipe that I just had to look at. In the end, I finally shut my computer off, hungry from looking at so much food, and angry at myself for staying up so late again.

I keep thinking that if I find some magic cookie, the perfect icecream blend, or make some great casserole, then I will be happy. Today the guy at the grocery store deli charged me for the smaller size soup, but gave me the large, because he felt generous. Momentarily, I felt on top of the world. Free food! Saved money! But then the emptiness hit hard again. It was 5 oclock and in order to cook and get my binge food in my room before my dad gets home, I needed to hit the kitchen. I didn't feel like bingeing just yet. I wanted to relax in the backyard more, I wanted to keep reading. I was perfectly content with my bowl of peas and crystal lite. But like a robot, I got up, cleaned up, and started my routine.

I've pretty much gained the weight back from vacation. I hate myself so, so much. Not just for gaining weight, but just everything about me. I'm disgusting. I waste my dad's money on food that literally goes down the toilet on a daily basis, I lie to get more, I steal to get more, and it's all just because I'm a shallow, shallow person. "I've made my grave and I'll die in it." This is all my fault.

Today I registered for fall classes. So much for treatment, I guess?