I've changed my mind
2004-08-16, 10:29 p.m.

I don't want to go into treatment anymore.

That idea hit me tonight as I was over the toilet. You'd think that if I'm suffering through a purge, I'd be thinking "Okay, fine, put me through a program." But I was thinking, y'know, I don't really feel like doing the whole treatment thing anymore.

And I think it's because I'm embarresed. I also think it's because I feel like I've ran out of time. I wanted to go through a program over the summer and now I have to do the whole college thing in a few weeks. That makes me angry as hell at Julio. I don't think it's completely his fault since the insurance company has been taking their sweet little time at getting back to him about the places they cover, but I still feel like Julio could be doing this faster.

I see Julio tommorow. And I'm angry. I'm angry at him and I'm angry at life and I'm angry at myself. I don't want to go into treatment and I don't want to suffer through this "disease" for one more fucking day.

So what DO I want to do about this? I just want to die. I want to starve myself to death. I want to be so thin people gasp when they see me or shake their head in disgust. I want to lay in bed all of my days and wither away. Or I just want to be so malnourished I pass out and fall down the stairs, crack my head open, and die.

Or I don't give a rats ass how I die. I just want to be dead. Because I don't feel like doing this one more day.

And I hate myself because I'm not thin in the least. And I hate myself because I can't punish myself enough for being the horrible daughter, sister, friend, and human being that I am. And I hate myself because I know I won't be able to communicate any of these feelings to Julio tommorow morning. I'll just be a dumb rock blabbing about my vacation. You know such *eye roll* important stuff like that.

Last night I was bingeing and my dad knocked on my door and told me sweet corn from the garden was for dinner. I got irritated and said "OKAY", not nicely. Then my brother knocked on my door and said he made clams and I should come down. I said "GO AWAY". I'm bingeing, I wanted to be left alone. A few minutes later I hear the soft foot steps of someone approaching my door, cautiously. A saft tapping on my door. "WHAT" I scream. I'm getting mad. "I'd really like you to join us for dinner" my brother politely requests. "WHY" I scream. "Because I never see you. You're always up in your room." I'm silent. Tears burn. I'm such a bitch. "Are you coming?" "NO GO AWAY" I can't believe I just said that. A few minutes later I put on a baggy sweatshirt over my huge stomach and go down there. I just sit there because I'm so full and want to go up there and continue bingeing, but I feel bad. I eat a clam to make my brother happy. Why am I such a bitch?

I don't want to see Julio tommorow. I know it will bring false hopes and disapointments. I'm scared. I'm scared of facing treatment options and telling him to just wait on the whole thing. I just don't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk anymore. I don't want to breath anymore. I don't want to think about what I should be doing, could be doing, anything.

I wish I wouldn't wake up tommorow.