I still don't have answers
2004-08-17, 10:51 p.m.

Julio gave me two options. Go to a group meeting everyday or go to an inpatient program.

"What's it going to be?" he asked me.

I asked him why he thought I should do inpatient. Or, "por que?" is what I really said. Julio is cuban. "Por que..." he started "Por que this is out of control. Por que you are miserbal. Por que you are slowly killing yourself." (pause) "So." I replied. "So. That'd be a tragedy." He replied. I scoffed.

His words ring through my head. I was very honest with him today. I admited to all shit I do to keep the routine of my ED. He said "God, that's exausting. You do so much each day. And you don't even enjoy it." The way he said it brought tears to my eyes. It wasn't sympathetic, it wasn't disgust, it was simple disbelief. Like "wow, I can't believe you can do that everyday." I told him how I have to rotate grocery stores, the looks I get from cashiers, how I'm stealing money. He asked how long I've been stealing money. I told him about the ebay buys for food related things on my dad's credit card. I told him everything. It was like a confessional. I told him I felt like shit about myself.

Regarding treatment, I told him I didn't want to go, and I didn't want to not go either. I told him I flat out didn't feel like doing anything. I don't want to go to school either. He gave me the speech about we all having crosses to bare and I mumbled I'd trade my cross for someone elses. "You can wish in one hand shit in the other and see which one fills up faster." Haha, Julio.

He kept pushing for an answer, treatment or groups, but I just kept changing the subject or making cracks about how maybe i'll fall down the stairs or starve myself to death. He said i'm 18 and he can't force me to do anything, but he'll look into groups. He said the insurance hasn't answered anything yet. I said what about school? He said screw school. Easy for him to say.

After I let his office, he pushed the lady behind the desk to send letters and make more phone calls to insurance comapny to get an answer about coverage.

I don't see Julio again for 3 more weeks. I'm tempted to email him and ask him to get me in before that. I have so many questions. What about school and dropping out? Should I go and what if I need to drop out will they refund me? Maybe I should force myself to go to groups. That way I could go to school and still see Julio.

Who am I kidding? I'd never crack it. I'd never work any type of program.

I don't know what to do.