2004-08-18, 7:12 p.m.
I am so bloody tired.
I woke up at 11, was showered and ready at 12, and planned my binge for the day. I made a list of what I planned to eat, then another of what I had to buy to fufill that list. As I headed out the door with a sigh, I heard my therapists voice saying "It must be so exausting to keep up with your routine." Then I headed out the door, saying "it is." outloud, to no one.
I went to one grocery store, avoiding the cashiers that I recognized. I went to another store to try to buy something on my list for cheaper. Then I went to a bakery outlet I've been meaning to check out. I bought this cheese danish thing from there. They give cards to stamp, so I have a feeling I'll be back. I got home and started to cook.
At 2:30 I had made 3 breakfast burritos, an angel food cake, chow mein with noodles and eggs, and pasta with sauce and chicken. I was also exausted, hungry, and weak. I heard Julio's voice again. I also heard my own voice, saying "This is ridiculous". I just spent my whole day shopping and making food. I hadn't eaten or sat down all day. All of this was for an hour of bingeing for the evening, then an hour of throwing up. I trembled to the backyard and lied down with a bowl of peas and some water and vegged to regain some strength.
My mind is so clouded and conflicted. I don't want to take a semester off but how many more days can I do this? I spend everyday cooking and planning binges. I am stealing money and going through money like crazy. All I dream and think about is food. I don't even want to go to school. I don't even know when the semester starts. God, make me not wake up tommorow. I don't want to repeat this day again.