2004-08-22, 9:05 a.m.
Last night I got roped into ushering for the college group worship service. I didn't want to say no, but I didn't want to go because it interrupts my nightly b/p time. I thought I'd leave early because ushering type stuff is usually in the beginning. While I was there, my mind set was horrible. All I was focused on was to take things. I don't know if I feel guilty for the things I did. Dean, the guy who was speaking, and a guy I've known through church for 5 years, had me do things on campus using his church key. In the main office I swiped 3 boxed chocolates. In the youth office, 5 dollars, a bag of trail mix, mini pringles, and a fruit roll up. Later, after I set up chairs and passed out bibles to people, I just got up and left. I said I had a headache when he called to thank me for my help.
Later that evening I was purging rather sucessfully. I stepped on the scale to read a bad number, once again, for 3 days in a row. I haven't been eating during the day so this is suprising. I got frustrated to tears and slank to the floor. Normally I give up, take my fat number, and go to bed. But I don't know, something drove me. I drank some more water, and was really pushing myself beyond my usual shaking limit. Things started to get fuzzy, my head was unclear, and I couldn't steady myself, but I just needed to get that extra pound off. I was really giving my throat a bad time too.
In the end, I don't remember if I purged the extra pound. I was so shakey and I could hardly stand up I didn't end up stepping on the scale again. My only mind set was "clean self up, clean room up, bed". This was the first night I was actually afraid I might pass out. When I was washing my face, I actually had to look in the mirror because I forgot if I had put face wash on it. My fingers felt disattatched from my body - thick and clammy. I couldn't stop shaking - my whole body - not just my hands like usual. So I cleaned out the b/p mess from my room, changed my clothes, took my night drugs, and flopped into bed.
Then I sobbed. I wailed like a baby. The tears soaked my pillow and ran down my cheeks and snot filled my nose. All I could see was this person I've become and the mess I've made and school next week and oh shit what did I do tonight and my gums are receding onthe bottom like an old person and I just kept wailing out into my room. Now it's the morning and my eyes are all puffy to remind me that last night wasn't a dream. God, the torture I put myself through for one pound. I feel insane. I feel like I'm literally losing my mind. But it doesn't stop last night. I still want to go on a bike ride to lose that extra weight and I don't want to eat anything today and I don't want to move from my bed. I skipped church today because I feel too fat. I fear the scale. This is really starting to spiral.
P.S. If you've given me your diary Username and PW before, please give it to me again. I've pretty much lost everyones and I can't read all my friend's locked diaries(fatnomore, limes, more) Thanks xoxo.