more stealing
2004-08-25, 8:31 p.m.

It's pitch black and I'm carefully walking to my sleeping brother on the couch. Beside him is my goal - his wallet. In my head I'm chanting that I won't really take anything, I just want to see if I could actually grab it without him waking up. I crouch next to him and grab his wallet with my hand. I try to grab his attatched keys so they won't jingle. As I pick up his wallet as I stand, the keys jingle a little, but my brother doesn't make a sound. My paranoia kicks in and I think he's just not saying anything to avoid a scene, but it's pitch black so I can't see him, though I'm facing him. I slowly back up and walk into the bathroom with his wallet. I open it up and I take out 2 measly dollars - not enough for him to notice - but enough to get the things I need since I already have 7 bucks or so. I shove the 2 bucks into my pajama pants and slowly walk back to the couch, heart pounding. I replace the wallet carelessly, and nearly run out of the room.

Back in my room, I want to cry. I try to tell myself, I am not a bad person. But what kind of person steals every chance she gets for BINGE food that she plans to throw up? Vanity food? Food to control the beast inside?

It doesn't stop there. A dollar from my mom's purse this morning, just because, Hey, I could. And I Just Might Need It.

Later I went to church to say Hi to my youth pastor. We were talking, all is good, I had no plans to take anything. He said he needed to use the restroom and I was alone in his office. As soon as he left my eyes darted all around. Food? Should I take food? There was oreos on the back or trail mix. But I know what I wanted: Money. I dashed to his desk and opened a drawer to the envelope I know kept the money. I lifted the book on top of it, unfolded the flap, and took out the first bill a saw: a 20. I've never took a 20 but I was afraid he'd come back. All of a sudden I heard "Boo" From the outside door. I jumped and nearly had a heart attack. From the angle I was standing, it just looked like I bent over in my youth pastor's desk, and you couldn't tell what I was doing. Another youth leader came over to say Hi. Shit Shit Shit. I wadded the bill up and tried to think of how I could take it. I tried to act casual "You scared me" I said. I small talked as I took the bill out in my fist, crinkled. I closed the door and remarked how I was looking for a CD.

After leaving the Church, I was unleased. First I went to the grocery store:
White Choc Cookies
Loaf of bread
Diet Coke
Strawberry cheesecake Ben and Jerry's

Then I went to the 99 cent store:
Imatation cheetos
white chocolate covered pretzels
white choc kit kat
toffee nuts

Then Trader Joe's:
Gnocchi pasta stuff
I don't even want to think about all the money I spent. What about tommmorow? I'm so, so tired of counting down the hours till I can binge and purge. It's like "well, 3 more hours to kill, what can i do till then?" It's pathetic.

I thought I wasn't a bad person, but I don't even feel like i have a personality. so maybe i am. maybe i am a horrible person who just lies and steals and manipulates to take money. i don't know who i am. i wouldn't want anything to do with me.