2004-08-29, 2:04 p.m.
Tommorow I start school. I can't express how un-ready I feel. Heck, the last two times (the only times) I've driven there, I got lost. It's probably about 20 min away, straight down one street, and I manage to get lost. I'm not ready. I'll probably never find my class. I need my small high school campus.
Today I was buying binge food (everyday i'm buying binge food?) and I was gaping at all the icecream flavors. I couldn't decide on what kind I wanted. I'm opening and closing the freezer doors, walking up and down the aisle, picking up various kinds, probably looking like a maniac. I didn't think anyone was watching or seeing me for more then a couple seconds to witness this lunacy, but I was wrong. I finally settled on a Ben and Jerry's flavored and walked out of the icecream aisle and met eyes with an overweight cashier who kind of smirked at me. I quickly averted my eyes and raced to a check out far away from hers. God, the embarresment.
My food shames don't end there. I went to pick up my school scheduel that I left at Christie's and no one was there but christie's sleeping brother on the couch. I got my scheduel from Christie's room and noticed a bag of Mother's taffy cookies on her floor. Without thinking, I stuffed 4 in my purse. Downstairs, i wandered in christie's mom's bedroom looking for food that might be stashed. I didn't find anything, so i looked in the kitchen. Nearby was christie's brother, so i tiptoed. I opened the cabinent and saw a jar of alfredo sauce. I took it quickly and jetted out.
Today I went to Church. I didn't intend to sit through the service. I only went to get money from my youth pastor's office. I showed up on time, greeted people, got a cup of coffee, then went back in my car and read for an hour. Then I got out of my car, said hello to my YP, and asked to use his bathroom just as he was leaving his office. He said sure, and left his office open. I went to the bathroom, and waited till he closed the door. Then I checked the drawer. IT WAS EMPTY. I was sooo mad. I sat in my car for an hour for nothing. Ticked off, I took a can of diet coke, a bag of trail mix, and a candy to suck on.
I'm going to get caught. And it's going to be embarresing. Someone is going to see me with a can of alfredo, or a roll of oreos, and what am I going to say "Ya..a little snack?" I can't make up a story for those things. I'm not exactly stealing from stores, but I am stealing. And what I am doing is wrong, but I don't feel bad. I feel edgey and like I just need more. I always constantly feel like I need more. I wish someone could set me loose in someone's kitchen alone so I could take as much as I want. Or I could have as much food as I wanted whenever I wanted.
But what would that do? Nothing. When I think of how pointelss and useless food is, and how it would never satisfy me, I get this giant feeling of emptiness and I think how I'll never be happy. I think how I'll never amount to anything, and how I'll never be worth shit. I want to be a writer someday & publish a book, but I don't think I'll write anything worth anything.
When I get thoughts like that, It makes me want to give up and kill myself.
I don't want to go to school tommorow. I don't know what to bring, I don't know what to wear. I don't know where to go. I'm such a loser.