2004-09-04, 9:26 p.m.
I am very glad seeing drug doctor next week. He hasn't changed my meds for ages, but I think I need to talk to him about some options here. I am manic as hell lately. I can't relex, I can't sleep without drugs, I can't breath. I have a lot of energy and feel very productive, but I know that's only because I'm on my "high" of my manic rollar coaster. It's only a matter of time before I crash into deep depression. I wake up at 7 am and feel like doing homework. A shower feels like a waste of precious time. I'm losing weight because I can't sit down and eat. Sitting in class is hell because I can't sit still. Tap Tap Tap. Must keep writing. When the teacher lectures I take a lot of notes, but when I get bored of what he's lecturing on, I just want to leave. I feel like there is so much I have to do, but when I go out and do it, I realize it's all in my head and there isn't so much I have to do anymore. I spent a good hour taking apart my keyboard and cleaning out crumbs. I just had to clean it. it was driving me crazy. Every crack.
Purging is a little easier because I just concentrate on purging. No breaks inbetween heaves, no picking my face, just stand and deliver. haha. I just want the food out of me.
So this all sounds well and good but I know I should get this under control. I can't relax and I can't sleep. I'm taking drugs to get me to sleep everynight and I wake up brigt and early. The day stretches endlessly with so much time to kill. And I feel like it's only a matter of time before I crash.
Gah, I'm broke again. All spent on binge food. That's always an endless question up in the air. When am I going to quit this? Never? This can't go on forever, can it?
Meaningless entry. But I must go purge. Must get food out. Go Go Go Fast Fast.
Breath, just breath.