Something's Gotta Give
2004-09-13, 9:31 p.m.

I'm purging, and I'm just finishing up. I think this is my last flush. I'm "rinsing" so to speak. I hit the flusher thingy, and the toilet starts to whirl and stops. Clogged.

God fucking damnit. How many times have I been in this situation? I don't even panic anymore. I calmly wipe my mouth, splash water on my face and neck, wipe the rim of the toilet. Then I put the seat down, and run downstairs. I grab the plunger, looking around hoping no one sees me, and dash back upstairs. Pump Pump Pump. Curse you toilet, unclog. As quick as I ran downstairs, the problem is solved.

I wash up: clean the toilet rim with toilet paper, wash my hands, swish my mouth with mouth wash, wash my face, and brush my teeth. I take out my pigtails and put my hair into a pony tail for sleep. Whenever I move my hand away from my head, dozens of hairs fall onto the bathroom counter. I don't even notice anymore. It's just an annoyance because all the hairs get caught inbetween my fingers. Sometimes when I'm bored I run my fingers through my hair and see how much hair I can collect into a pile. It can be a pretty big fistful.

After I clean up myself I have to face the disaster in my room. Plates and glasses and trash and paper towels and cookie bags and crumbs. My eyes don't meet my moms as I take out all the plates. She doesn't say anything nor seems to notice. She's in her own little world. Sometimes I wonder what she must be thinking when I bring up so much food at 4:30, before my dad gets home, then take so many plates out of my room at 8:30, after my dad is sleeping. My dad never sees, only my mom. But the only things she ever bitches to me about is the messes I make and what a pain in the ass I am.

Sometimes when I'm bingeing and purging really late at night, and both my parents are asleep, it's really odd stepping out of the bathroom after purging. I step into the bathroom when they were awake and the TV was on, and there is noise in the house. But I step out and the house is pitch black and everything is quiet. I don't notice the difference because I have my radio on while I'm purging. I get so sad when I notice that difference. Maybe it's because I feel like I'm just blowing my life away. Or maybe it's because I suddenly just feel so alone. I get so scared at those moments. Sometimes into the dark I just whisper "Help" for no reason at all. Just to see what will happen.

Nothing ever happens, of course. But I wish something would. I wish someone would help me. I'm so, so scared. I feel like I'm in a sinking boat and I'm bailing as fast as I can and there is no hope. I feel like throwing in the towel.

Something has to give. My body, my emotions, this facade. Or maybe it doesn't. Maybe I'll just keep doing this for awhile longer. God, I hope not. Because i'm tired. I wish I could just start losing weight. Not because I want to be thinner, but because then my health would go down hill, I'd wind up in the hospital and something WOULD give. Something would just happen already. This day after day cycle is getting old, Julio is pissing me off, and my parents are blind.

I try to think of the people in my life I can call. I want to ask for help, I want to say "I need to talk" but I come up empty handed. That's what I get for putting this eating disorder over everything and everyone in my life.