2004-09-16, 10:04 p.m.
I am a fucking idiot.
This morning I wasn't even late for class when I ran the red/yellow right before my school. As I sped up to make the light, which turned red as I went through the intersection, a bright FLASH blinded me.
Those god damn camera intersections. I think I got a ticket. I'm pretty damn sure I got one, actually. What a fine way to start my morning. So I went to Philosophy class and got my first two papers back. I got a 90 on my first one, because he was being generous, and an 80 on my second, because he wasn't being generous anymore. I felt like a failure.
I got out at 9:15 and my next class wasn't until 11:10. I got in my car, crawled into my backsleep, and counted my breaths until I fell asleep. I woke up again at 10:39.
I'm depressed. I think about killing myself. My eating disorder is exausting me. I don't want to recover. I don't want to binge and purge everyday anymore, either. I'm tired of school. I don't want to go to traffic school. I don't want to do homework. I want to sleep forever.
I visited old youth leader, the one I use to live with, today. She told me that I'm not myself anymore. That I am just my eating disorder. When I go to the movies, it's all I think about, when I babysit, its on my mind. During school, it consumes me. She said I am not me anymore. It's taken over. And I know she's right. She said deep down there are some blah blah blah listing good qualities. I snapped and said how does she know if all I am is my eating disorder. She didn't know quite what to say.
I know she was trying to help, encourage me to get help, make me "the old melissa" again, but it just made me want to die more. because i am nothing anymore. i have no personality, i have no life, i have nothing. all i am is this addiction, this food obession. and this life i am living is nothing worth fighting for.