2004-09-21, 2:30 p.m.
Oh boy, am I tired. My body feels 80 instead of 18. My hair is falling out, I constantly have a cold, and my bones and muscles always ache. Not to mention I always, always feel sluggish. I don't have an ounce of energy ever. I need some kind of energy pill or drink. I can't go to school feeling like this another day. I drink cup of green tea after cup of tea but it doesn't do a thing for my energy level.
This morning I didn't leave on time because I was moving so slow - couldn't get myself to move my ass - and I missed philosophy. Prof. locks the door right at 8. I wasn't all that disapointed because his class is boring as hell. I went home and tried to concentrate on english homework. But then I ended up b/p before Julio instead. Goodjob, Melissa.
Because of my early morning purge, I felt even more sluggish then usually at Julio's. I was shaking and generally looked pretty bad because i had to get dressed really fast.
I told Julio I felt like my time there was a waste, I felt like I was a waste. He asked all the details of my b/p time. what I binge on, why i binge, i binge to relief anxiety, how long it takes, how long the purge takes, what i'm thinking during the purge. He was amazed that my dad lets this go on, see's it, and doesn't say anything. I asked him what he'd do and he said he'd sit me down, till me he knows im bulimic, and we gotta do something. I said what if I deny it. He said then he could bring up some solid evidance. I laughed and said like I'm eating us out of house and home? I kind of flinched when i said "us" feeling stupid...i shouldn't of pretended to live together. He said ya, the food bills, credit card bills, how skinny you are. I took pride in the skinny comment for a second, then was just tired again.
I feel really empty again. I use to get this when I first saw Julio. I want to be back in Julio's office. It's like this need for help. This need for something to be done. He wants me to e-mail him the list of inpatient places my youth leader gave me. Other than that, no steps towards anything.
I'm so tired, i'm ready to throw in the towel and just do something.