2004-09-25, 5:05 p.m.
I'm waiting for my dad to leave the kitchen. As soon as he does, I will start my pizza. Then my hot dogs, put the buns in the oven covered in cheese. I will reheat pasta, pancakes, and cook hot pockets. I will bring up cereal and a glass for the litre of diet coke that waits in my room.
But first, he needs to leave the kitchen. The whole day revolves around the time of when I can have the kitchen. If I was patient, I could wait for my parents to go to the movies around 7 and have the house to myself. But that's if I was patient. I'm not patient. I'm ravenous and wanting to binge now. If it was up to me, I'd be bingeing hours ago. I guess it's always up to me, but I have no privacy, so I have to wait.
Yesterday I went to Christie's to borrow flour to make binge cookies. I had my heart set on butterscotch cookies but we have no flour. Once I'm set, i will have it. But alas, I'm broke, so i couldn't even buy flour. When I went over there, the door was open, but no one was home. I decided I'll just take some flour, no one will mind. As I was bagging some flour I remembered we had no butter. Also my fault. Oh well, I'll just borrow a couple sticks too. Oh ya, we have no sugar too. So I took a bag of that too. What the fuck is wrong with me. Just give up the cookies. Then I was like hm....I have the house to myself..what else can I take. I opened their fridge and freezer. I saw a bag of frozen ravioli. I took it. Then I realized I had no sauce to go with it, I took a jar of that too. My purse is overflowing at this point. I decided I probably should leave. What if someoen comes home? Uhh..I needed to borrow some speghatti sauce? Julio's voice in the back of my head says "You're an addict". shut up Julio.
I drove around to 4 stores today looking for something sweet. I wanted pie, cake, something. Everything was too expensive or just not what I was looking for. I keep wandering up and down the bakery aisle, frozen aisle, and the cooking aisle, in every store looking for something, debating. I must've looked crazy staring at shelves and prices in my sweats and sweatshirt in the hot weather. Walking out of the store empty handed. Finally I settled on twix brownie mix. The cashier raises an eyebrow at my dirty self and single purchases. I shoot her a dirty glance.
What is my dad still doing in the kitchen?
This isn't normal. To only think about food day in and day out.
What can I do to pass the time. I need the kitchen. He needs to leave it. I'm so embarresed. Ashamed.
My stomach is rumbeling.
Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.
Only one minute has passed.
Last Saturday I went to the college group trying to kill time while I waited for my parents to go to the movies. Then I left early because all I could think about was food and bingeing and I couldn't sit there anymore. So I came home, thinking my parents would've left already, and I was 15 minutes early. My dad was like "that was a short service" and i was like ..uhh i forgot my cell phone. And grabbed it and drove around the corner and sat in my car and waited 15 minutes. Then I came home and binged.
I'm pathetic. The previous week I went to the college group and left early to binge too. All I could think about as I was sitting there was hot dogs and how I wanted to be home bingeing. How am I ever suppose to recover when all I can fucking think about is food day in and day out. I dream about food, I wake up thinking about food. When I'm purging, I am planning my next binge.
Someone tell me I'm not alone and crazy. If I am the only one like this, then I am not going to bother trying to recover, because then I am too far in this disease and I should just give up and jump off a cliff or something. Me and my fat self, eating an icecream cone or something.