2004-10-26, 9:50 a.m.
I need a new fucking bra.
I wrestled with my one, yes one bra, for too long this morning. I ended up pinning the straps to make it fit comfortably. None of my clothes fit comfortably. I have one pair of jeans that I'll leave the house in. Everything is too loose, too tight, too short, too long, too baggy. I hate everything I own. Getting dressed in the morning makes me want to stay in bed. I end up leaving the house looking like a hobo in my giant pants and over sized shirts. I need some fucking clothes that fit. And i'm so bloody cold. I don't have any winter clothes. I need a coat. I keep checking ebay but ebay is too iffy on something like a winter coat. I need jeans like hell, too. Bah. I just want to stay home in my sweats and sweatshirt all day.
I'm sick. As usual. And my energy level is null. I'm so angry lately. Angry at everyone. Angry at the people who think they know what's best for me and angry at those who keep feeling sorry for me. I'm just tired of this shit. Tired of this life. Tired of grocery stores and binge food and being cold and keeping up appearence and scales and numbers that aren't dropping though I'm puking up fucking everything and I feel like bloody shit.
I don't know if can I go through with this treatment thing. I'm not backing out, but I just don't think I have the capacity to get better. I think I'm a failure and I look at the whole treatment thing and how it's a life long commitment and I don't think I can do it and I don't want to do it and I don't have the energy. I don't want to tell my dad and I just want to run away and I just want to die.
More then anything I want to die. I don't see any reason to battle this. My life isn't worth battling for. People say they care but I think it's because they don't know what else to say and they feel obligated to say so and if they really cared I think they'd be doing more then patting me on the head and making those obligated "oh too bad" sounds. No one does more then that for me and I guess I shouldn't expect more then that out of people but I do and I wish I didn't but I do. I want some fucking friends and it's my fault I don't have friends because I made my friends my food but it'd be nice if someone called me once in awhile or did something nice for me. I'd fall over in shock if someone went out of their way and suprised me with something.
I'm going to go to the store and get binge food. Because it's 10:00 AM and I don't know what else to do anymore.