2004-11-17, 10:29 a.m.
I'm writing this entry to distract myself. I will not binge and purge today. I have too much to do today. I have a test tonight at 5:30. I'd get home too late, have to wake up too early. I'm too tired. It isn't fun anymore. Melissa. You know you'd regret it. Do not go to the store. You're not even hungry. You will not binge and purge today. I'm afraid of a repeat of Sunday night where I made it all day and then lost it at 7:30. I'm afraid of failure. But this isn't fun. Midway through it isn't fun. I only binge because I'm starving. I hate every moment of this life. Melissa. You will not binge and purge today. It is not an option. You can tomorrow. Not today.
I saw Julio yesterday. I wasn't suicidal freaking out depressed hopeless like I was two weeks ago with him. It's interesting to see how my moods are with him. He told me the note drug doc wrote to him said something like "Melissa must get into a residential program. Outpatient treatment has failed. If she does not get into IP, she will die." Oh, great. He's written a note like that before, but he's never added the "she will die" part before. Julio kind of said defensively "what did you tell him?" and "did you tell him were trying to get you into a program?" I said kind of hesistently to Julio "yes..." but I didn't add that I was bitching about Julio to drug doc. When I saw my drug doc, he kept going on and on about how when they're about my funeral because Ive kept my ED a giant secret everyones going to be so shocked that I'm dead. Because he said "they are" I kind of ignored his funeral comment and said "oh, so you'll come to my funeral?". So he chose to ignore that question and just kept ranting on how about im keeping this a giant secret. I told Julio about all that and he said he's right, that I'm keeping this a secret, and Julio said he wouldn't come to my funeral either. I said I wasn't offended because I knew he wasn't doing it to be mean, but because he would prefer I wouldn't die. I told him he was invited, though. He declined saying I can't die on him. Julio broke down my binge and purges into steps on a paper yesterday. Ugh, how degrading. He wanted me to elimanate one step out of the many many steps. We made 10 steps, but there are probably more. His top 2 out of the 10 were either rinse or eat till sick. I chose to get rid of "eat till sick" stage because I'm weary of getting rid of rinsing, because I'm afraid of those extra calories. While bingeing last night, I kept thinking of Julio. It wasn't even satisfying. I don't know if it was because Julio tore my binge down into 10 steps, or because I was tired, or because bingeing hasn't been fun in ages, but it just sucked. I didn't have a problem stopping before I wasn't incredibly full. So point one for me, I suceeded for one night.
Last night while puking I kept thinking about how I'm 18 and my doctors are talking about my death. Something isn't right here. What's worse is it's all my fault.
"You can't save me
You can't change me
Well I'm waiting for my wake up call
Everythings my fault."