2004-12-02, 9:48 a.m.
I feel like absolute shit. I'm sick, exhausted, and depressed.
I couldn't get out of bed to go to my first class today because I was so, so tired. I had a paper to turn in but I really could not do it. Not to mention I'm just so bloody sick. It's already late because of my stupid Ohio trip, but I guess it'll have to be later. I'm so behind in school and so stressed because of that but I can't bring myself to sit down at the computer and do something about it. I'm just so tired. The free time I do have is taken up making food, bingeing, and purging. Another reason I'm so tired? I was up till 11:30 last night purging. I don't think I'm going to b/p today, though. Atleast I'm going to try. I just feel too lousy and I gained a lb from b/p twice yesterday. Not to mention I have diahrea. Ew.
My dad is acting weird. I thought he'd be quiet and avoiding me after the trip but he's being super nice. His sudden turn of attitude gives me mixed emotions. I want to take advantage of it because he never does little things like offer to warm up my car for me in the morning, say sorry, or want to talk. But it also makes me mad. Be consistent, damnit. Don't be fake. Talk about the real issues. I'd rather talk about what's really going on, which is he probably feels guilty about how my mom has been affecting me and now he's trying to make it up, then have him warm up my car in the morning. Another thing is that's weird is I got a parking ticket a couple weeks ago and I kept putting off telling him about it. I have no money so I basically have to have him pay for it. I just left it on the pool table next to my "B" math test for him to see. He didn't say anything. He was just overly nice to me. I don't deserve that. I deserve to be yelled at, punished, and have the money taken out of my allowance.
He knocked on the bathroom door while I was purging to tell me he left the rest of my allowance on the pool table and to ask if I'll see my friend Christie, who watched our dog while we were away to give her money. I said I could. He said Thank You, Sorry for the hassle. I was like..wtf...no problem. I started to cry because I don't deserve the money. He's just fueling what's going on in the bathroom at that moment and I know he saw the ticket and he was just ignoring it.
I'm just an awful person who doesn't deserve anything. I can't get my life together: my health, school, or anything. I don't know why I bother trying. I feel like I'm barely holding on to my grades and they're about to crumble beneath me. I feel like I'm faking life and it's all about to shatter. I'm waiting for a breaking point.
And I don't really care. If it doesn't break soon, I'm liable to break it myself. I give up. Julio didn't reply to the email of all the treatment options. He isn't doing jack shit and the rate were going I'm going to be going to another semester of school shooting to be in treatment next summer. I CAN'T DO THAT. I'm breaking right now.
I hate this. I hate myself and I hate eating disorders and I hate food and I hate my life and I hate my parents and I hate waking up every morning to face the same god damn life.