2004-12-03, 10:33 p.m.
I'm collapsing. Everything is breaking underneath me. I'm losing it. Someone catch me before I fall. Oh, God.
I seriously don't know what the fuck is wrong with me but I'm falling fast. One second I'm sitting in English class and the next I get up and walk to the bathroom to cry. I try to muster up the strength to cry but I can't. So I get up and stare at my reflection and my reflection alone makes me sob. So I go back into the stall and curl up on the dirty floor and sob and sob. After what feels like a long time I get up and look at my reflection again. My eyes are red from all the crying. My knees are wet from my tears. I take two paper towels and soak up my tears and walk back to class. By then people are in groups doing some work and my teacher is engrossed in another student. I pick up my things and leave the class. I just get up and leave. I'm so behind in that class but I just don't care. Now I'm more behind. I don't care anymore.
Everything is crushing me. I'm walking to my car in the parking lot and I feel like the wind is crushing me every move I make. I want to just lay down on the cement and die. This day is just too much. I drive straight to the store and buy food. As I'm walking up and down the aisles with just a candy bar in hand a guy is staring deliberatly right at me. I want to yell at him WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU STARING AT. But I don't. I just stare hard back at him.
I get back in my car and cry. So much money down the drain one more day down. My mirror taunts me. I stare at and it tells me I'm losing weight, but if I stare for 10 seconds more it shifts and I'm fatter. I can't fucking take the torture. Nothing is consistent. I'm so tired of this bullshit. I'm not one whose body reacts to how I'm feel physically but for once in my life I have deep bags under my eyes. This suprises me. I don't think I've ever seens bags under my eyes except for maybe 5 minutes in the morning when I first wake up.
I think I'm dying.
I feel so tired. My body aches. I sleep for 10 hours and feel like I could sleep forever. I collapse into bed everynight and sleep deeply. When I jolt out of a nightmare 3 hours into my sleep, I'm so exhausted, I fall back into sleep right away. My sleep isn't pleasent due to weird nightmares, but I'm sleeping deeply. I wonder how many hours I'll get tonight because I don't have to wake up for school tomorrow.
I have headaches. If i had drugs, I'd take them, but I have nothing for them and the thought of spending precious food money on drugs is a riot. But head has had a dull ache, sometime stronger, for the past 3 days. That can't be good. I think I'll have my dad pick up excedrin at the grocery store tomorrow morning.
I don't know what the point of this entry is other then to say is I don't feel like myself lately, whatever that is. I know I shouldn't be suprised that I'm so exhausted when I don't eat and what I do eat I puke, but I have been doing this for ages and suddenly I'm feeling like shit. I'm just feeling lost.
Sometimes I go through complete days without talking to anyone. Today I decided to see how long i went or who the only people were. The only words I uttered were:
"I'll have a veggie works burrito and a chicken soft taco"
(order at del taco)
and to my dad, when he said hello:
If you want to count the sounds I made while sobbing, then that too. I really need to be more sociable. That can't be healthy.