2004-12-05, 10:28 p.m.
I'm nervous and angry. I see Julio tomorrow and the very though makes me boil inside. I have this scene playing in my head where I yell at him for all the shit he's doing. Or not doing, to be more accurate. In my mind, I ask him why he didn't answer my email, then yell at him and say that I'm dying over here and I can't go through another semester of school. I yell at him and say what the fuck do you want me to do? You're having ME do all this work and meanwhile were not getting anywhere. Fuck this, then. I'm not going do this anymore and FUCK YOU too. Then in my scene in my head, I walk out of his office, out of his waiting room, out of the building, and get in my car. I don't know what happens then. If this was a lifetime movie, he'd follow me or something. But if I really walked out, he probably wouldn't bother.
In reality, also, I probably wouldn't have the guts to walk out more or less yell fuck you at him. But I do want to muster up some kind of anger to give him a piece of my mind.
I gained the weight I lost from Ohio back. Damn. Back to 83. I really freaked out from the weight gain because I took laxatives yesterday. I haven't done that in ages. I remember a time when I was taking 15-20 laxatives a night. I don't think I'm reverting back to that because I know laxatives weight loss is just water weight, but it just feels good to be empty. But boy is it ever painful. Plus it's time consuming.
I'm thinking of stopping the Luvox. I don't think it's helping and I think it's contributing to my weight gain. But I'm afraid to stop because I really want to stop b/p and all my face picking. I still have 100 mg to increase. Blah. But I don't want to risk more weight gain. I don't know. I didn't take my dosage tonight and I don't plan to take it tomorrow. Unless someone gives me a really good reason to take it, I don't think I will anymore. It's just not doing anything.
Well, time to hit the hay. Math test bright and early. Will update how Julio goes for sure. Must think angry thoughts...