2004-12-14, 7:18 a.m.
I apologize for the lack of entries lately. I know everyone eagerly waits for my updates on an everyday basis, and I've significantly changed the moods of the diaryland readers because I haven't updated.
Blah, I'm tired. Extremely tired would be more accurate. I've gotten 5 hours of a sleep over the last 4 days because of stress, bingeing and purging, finals, and paper writing. I've gone through the stages of being so tired you have energy, then just woah tired, and now I am zombie child. I keep making typos and writing incoherent sentences. My body is aching and kind of shakey. I need sleep.
But I'm stressed and anxious. I'm bingeing way past full - making purging longer - and anxious as fuck so I'm sitting there picking at everything that's not my skin and more in the bathroom before purging - drawing out purging. I just can't stop tearing away at my skin. It's almost a relief but almost makes me more anxious. I just want more skin to pick and tear away at. It makes my heart race when I find a scab, a pimple, or flakey skin that peels or pops. I'm a mess.
At night when I finally hit the covers way past an acceptable time my heart is still racing. I'm thinking about things I should have done instead of bingeing, things I need to do, and trying to relax. I need to buy christmas gifts, I need to sleep, I'm scared of UCLA..yada..yada..my head won't turn off. I'm thinking of the fights with my mom where she is calling me the most self-centered person in the world. She's telling me i have problems. Then later that evening she asks me nicely in front of my dad if I want to join them for dinner. This shoots my anxiety up 150%. I hate this turmoil of moods, and I hate living here.
Most of all, I just want sleep. I tried to nap yesterday but I lied there with my eyes closed for 45 min, finally slept for 30, then lied there for 15 more thinking about how much time I was wasting. I'm going to try not to b/p today. How many times do I say that? I took my meds that are suppose to help that today in order to help my appetite. I need time. I can't waste it on buying, cooking, bingeing, and purging. Plus, i'm just exhausted and need to go to bed early.
But I'm scared the beast will take over and demand food.
Gah. I just need to tell myself, get to class, get home, and nap.