Should I Stay or Should I Go?
2004-12-15, 9:52 a.m.

This is getting old. I don't know why I bother saying "Today I will NOT binge and purge." just to get to about noon or 2:00, think in my head, "well, maybe I want to..." and decide I will and go to the store to plan for my nightly binge. It's pathetic how long I don't last.
I'm getting fat. Atleast I think I am. I won't weigh myself and my eyes play tricks on me. The measuring tape says my thighs are the same size, and sometimes I think they look bigger, sometimes smaller. But I guess I'm the same. It's frustrating. I want to lose so much but what can I expect when I'm not doing anything about it? I eat less during the day but I can't expect that to make me lose weight when my binge/purge session at night is long and drawn out. I've started to do exercises at night but it will probably take awhile for that to show any effects.
I think I'm getting more obsessive about this weight loss because of IP. I want to lose more before they make me gain. And now that I'm going somewhere, I feel fat. I feel insignificant. I'm not that underweight and I want to be very underweight. They will have to make me gain weight and my range is not even that much because i'm not underweight enough. I feel like if I lose a lot of weight, they won't have time to make me gain back to "normal" range, therefore I'll still be thin. God, this isn't healthy thinking.
I just don't want to be fat.
I'm worried about telling my dad. I guess I'll have to be there. Julio says he'll do most of the talking, but that's not really what I'm worried about. I'm worried about his reaction and going home with him. I won't be able to binge and purge afterwards at home like I use to(because that's what really matters, right?) It will all become a secret. I have this plan in my head that after Julio tells him, I'll go to someone's else's house. Perhaps Christie's. I'll pull my old runaway act. I just wish we could do everything we can without my dad's consent, then tell him, so that I don't have to be home for very long before they check me in.
You can see I've thought this out very thoroughly. This is what keeps me up late at night. Meanwhile I still have two finals left. And the thoughts ring in my head whether or not to binge and purge today. Fail or win? Should be easy but it's not.