Shutting my mind off
2004-12-17, 8:40 p.m.

I had a hard time getting up this morning. I woke up at 9:30 but found no reason to get up if I didn't have class till 12:45. I hugged my knees to my chest and lied there with my eyes close. I just didn't want to think about food, hunger, bingeing, purging, or going to the store. Instead I thought about every childhood memory I could think of. It was interesting how they all took place away from my home, and at my friend's houses instead. Infact, I couldn't think of one memory that took place at my home as a young child. I could picture most of the rooms, but nothing that took palce. After remembering countless things with numerous friends, I fell asleep for 2 more hours. I woke up at 11:30 and had to rush to get ready to make it to class. I reeked from lying in bed for so long in my hot room. I showered quickly, but scrubbed hard. I washed once, rinsed, then washed again. I felt like soaping up a third time but felt like I was being a little obsessive so got out.
I went to my last day of English today. We took our final on Wednesday, but we had the second portion of grammar today. She gave us back the writing portion at the end. I was suprised to see I got a 97/100. She said she was impressed and laughed out loud at the title and conclusion. I was proud. She said after reading my final she knew I should of got an A in the class, but I wrote a few pretty cruddy papers, and my research paper brought me down. I got a C, which should of been an A, she said. I'm very disapointed. This semester has sucked. All my grades have sucked.
I'm truely ashamed of myself. Not only because of my grades, but just overall. After class, I went to Christie's to work on Julio's wife's scarf. Christie's mom did most of it, but I did enough where I could say I had some part in it. Now I'm home bingeing, and regretting this binge. I'm ashamed of my existence. I'm afraid my dad will see I'm home. I tiptoe downstairs to get milk and I don't even want him to see my dirty face and the fact I'm wearing pajamas-as usual.
School is over for the semester and I know where I'm headed next - IP. I'm a failure. It feels like this dirty little secret on the tip of my tongue. I just want to rewind back to this morning and not think about anything. Crawl into a ball and disapear for awhile.