2004-12-19, 10:16 a.m.
My brother is home for his break. My brother is a clear example that depression runs in the family. He is already spending hours with his face in the couch, or he just lies there stareing into nothing. To get him out of the house and out of his idle posistion, I asked him to come with me to Barnes and Noble yesterday. I almost said "and before we go, maybe you want to shower and change, too?" but decided I'll just pretend not to know him. He reeks and his clothes are a few sizes too large.
On the way home from Barnes and Noble, being tired from the long drive there, taking forever to park, and standing in line, we were silent. My brother broke the silence by saying, "What's therapy like?" I was taken aback but knew I had to choose my words carefully. "I like it..." I said slowly. "I like my therapist. I've learned a lot about myself." I paused. Waiting for him to say something. When he didn't say anything I decided to ask him some things. He told me he's thinking about going again and asked me if i think it would help him. I said it depends on his therapist and how much he's willing to open up. But it could help him and he should give it a shot. I wanted to pry more on why he wants to go but I decided to leave it there. My brother is home for awhile so I guess I have time to pod and pry at my odd brother.
I had an odd dream last night. I was walking through a forrest with tons of girls, from the very thin to the more chubby. There was a leader we had to keep up with. Throughout this walk people were dropping out saying things like "I can't do it!" and walking away. Sometimes in packs. Usually the thinnest girls dropped out. I grew more anxious when I saw people drop out. As we drew near the end of our walk, people's remarks as they dropped out were like "I haven't been doing this for 8 years to quit now!" and "I can't throw it all away now!" I began to cover my ears and cry but kept walking. People around me looked anxious too, but kept walking in the straight line. It was hard to see the thin bodies I wanted walking away from our straight walk. When we got to the end, there were giant stone signs in categories of weight. From 50lbs and under, 60-70, all the way up to 1000+. The person in charge told us to get in our weight catgeory. I stood in 80-85lb, ashamed of my high weight. Someone very overweight tried to get away with 250lbs, but they weighed her publically and she had to change categories. Then there was some competition with all our people in our category. Whoever ate breakfast (and there was only one in our group) had to eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and juice the fastest. The rest of us had to chug diet soda the fastest. While they were explaining this to us, they gace us half a bagel with peanut butter and I realized I was tearing off pieces and ate some of it. I was so ashamed that I ate some and infront of people! I wanted to go purge it but decided to wait till I drank some of the diet soda for the competition. Then I woke up.
I'm taking my medication again - the one I thought was making me gain weight. I'm still not sure about it. I'm not sure about my weight at all these days. I stopped weighing myself. I'm doing leg exercises everynight and sometimes I think I'm thin and sometimes grotesque. I'll keep up the medication and leg exercises for awhile and see what happens.