2004-12-26, 1:02 a.m.
Near the end of my purge this evening, I got stabby feelings in the center of my chest, slightly to the left. I tried to ignore it and keep going, but I kept feeling it. I sighed and wiped my mouth and stopped. I was tired and nearly finished, so I decided to call it quits for the evening, glad for an exusce to stop.
I guess you could call tonight a landmark point. I'm hesistant to write about it because I don't know how long this will last and if this is just a whim decision. Tonight I told myself I'm going to quit purging. How? I don't know. How will a very serious addicted bulimic quit purging...just decide like that? I don't know. But I decided to pick it up just like that and I don't want to do this bullshit anymore. Two nights ago I didn't binge and purge and was much happier the next morning. I'm not obsessing over cooking and buying food all day as much anymore. Today I didn't make or buy food all day. I had no plans to binge and purge today till my parents said they were going to leave for the movies. When left alone it just triggered it. I'm dangerous alone.
I don't know. Maybe I'm making progress. Maybe these drugs are helping. Lately the desire to binge isn't as strong. It sounds stupid and obvious but I absolutely hate purging more and more lately. I can almost turn myself off from wanting to binge if just imagine myself having to go through the act of purging. If I could just get myself to stop purging maybe Julio can work with me with the rest of the stuff and I can go to groups on the side?
Maybe i'm being stupid. Maybe I'm sicker then I think and I'm hoping for an easy way out. I really don't want to go to a hospital but at the same time lately I'm really unhappy with my life. Obviously. I need to re-do it. Everything.
I don't know if I can do this. I need major support. I need to see Julio. I need friends who know what I'm doing. I need God to back me up. I need no food cravings. I need some kind of miracle.
Christmas wasn't bad. For once. Seriously this was the first Christmas I can remember in a long time where something didn't go seriously wrong. I went to my sister's (my dad told my mom he was taking my brother and I to a church service where he suspicously stayed a long time), we exchanged gifts, ate breakfast (all I ate was canteloupe and spit and chewed toast and eggs into a napkin), then came home. We played scrabble and cards all afternoon. I ate way too much popcorn, peas, and sugar free jello. I got a stomach ache and fell asleep by the fire. The End of my not so exciting Christmas. Then my parents left and I binged and purged. I think I'm gaining weight again. I haven't weighed myself in ages.
Tomorrow is church. I guess I'll go. Getting outside is good, right?
I'm going to go on calorieking.com and make up a food plan for me tomorrow. 500 calories. No more. No less.